Truth is so much a part of the work that I am doing with the Handel Group. Being honest with myself in my heart and mind, and then coming clean about it. Now, I feel pretty confident and comfortable coming clean about most of my truths, the ones that even though they might be uncomfortable to admit, they are a bit more pallatable than others. At least, that is what I assume about them.
When I was talking with my coach today, we talked about those darker truths; the ones that we acknowledge to ourselves, and yet, we keep them hidden from the outside world. In some cases, like with my alcoholism, that was denial helping me to keep from really looking at it. And, the longer that I didn’t look at it, the longer that I didn’t have to face it, or heaven forbid, have to tell someone. Convenient, hmm? Today, I feel so much freer in my sobriety, and knowing that when I tell my story, it allows me a bit more freedom to truly be myself, and to trust myself and my Higher Power that I will, indeed, always be cared for.
Yet, there are more darknesses that lurk inside of me. Ones that I write down and admit at times, and feel a bit yuckier about being open with. The ones that are related to my character traits that I am working hard to take down, my Secret Judger, my Snotty Know it All, my Glossy Liar.
So, this post is an exercise in freeing myself from some of those very things that keep me captive, and keep me from being honest about who I truly am. I am saying these things to let you know that I am human; I am flawed; and I want to be free of how they have held my soul captive. They are not said to self depricate, or to batter myself in public. Merely to let you know, if this applies to you, too, that you are not alone. And, to admit it freely feels amazing.
I judge other people. One group of people that I persistently judge are those that have plastic surgery to improve their looks.
I want to look good and don’t like people to think I have fucked up.
I don’t like not knowing the answer to something, so I act like I know it all even when I don’t.
I lied about how much I worried about my drinking for years.
I made it a regular occurrence to drink and drive, even with my kid and partner in the car.
I can be really bitchy, nagging and bossy to the people that I love the most.
PHEW! Okay, that is enough for today. And, I feel lighter. More flowing and real. Able to move forward with my integrity built up just that much more.
I don’t want to be a fraud anymore, I don’t want to be a martyr anymore, I don’t want to be a liar anymore.
I want to be free.
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