Letting go is a lesson that I think is lifelong for me. I believe that it is one that I will learn many more times in my life, and also, is one of the missions for me in this lifetime to pass on to others that I love. Learning to let go, to trust, and to allow others to thrive, grow and aspire.
I have struggled against this lesson, even when I have believed I was learning it, throughout my entire life.
I have always wanted to fix, or better, the people that were in my life at the time, or in my life now. I have held on for dear life to my partners, my child, my siblings, my parents and even my coworkers. I needed to let them know that they never had to worry, because even if they didn’t know what to do, they could always depend upon me to pick up the pieces, show them a better way, be there for them. Of course, I always said that, and I meant it in some ways. In other ways, I was sending a very strong message that I believed that they were stupid, incapable, or terminally dependent upon me to save the day.
What a rush!! To have so many people in my life need me so desperately. It cuts both ways, however. In one sense, it was selfish and unfeeling for me to want people to be dependent upon me in that way, so that I could feel bolstered up, needed and worthwhile. I am not tearing myself down because of that, however, I am able to recognize it as a selfish act, and to know that I don’t want to live in that way anymore.
It also has become a clear lesson in how little I have trusted over the years and in my life. If I trusted that person’s love, if I trusted that others could complete tasks capably and fully without me being involved at all, I would have been able to let go long ago. However, I have lacked faith in others, a trust that they can manage, for most of my life. And, it became its own vicious cycle: The more that I would control others, the less that I would trust them to do it on their own; the less I would trust them, the more that I would control. It stayed that way for at least my whole adult life, and maybe even before that.
I know in this day, I need to let go more and more. I need to let go and allow my ex to fly freely on her own, become independent and to do that on her terms, not mine. I need to let go of making this a smooth transition, because I can only get myself to be at peace in it. I need to let go of anything that is out of my control, and to TRUST, deeply and fully, that others can take care of themselves, too. And, that if they need my help, they will ask, that I don’t have to expect that they will.
Letting go is one of my ongoing lessons in this lifetime, to learn and to pass on. It is the contrary to my Control Freak, to my Snotty Know it All traits. It is the balance of what it is that I truly want in this life.
And, in this day, I am learning to do it, like it, and embrace it.
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