This week, I finally got down to it and wrote out my most recent character trait naming, that being Betty Better Than. This one is yet another that I have been really sneaking in hiding, or thinking that I do, yet has been around for much of my life. And, the sense of humor about it helps me to not take myself all that seriously about it, especially as I am taking it down.
Betty is my trait that leads me to believe that I am better than others, for a variety of reasons. On one particular day, I might feel better than a coworker for figuring out a problem. On another occasion, I have felt better than my siblings because I have a college degree. I have felt better than my friends who seem overwhelmed and lost, because I have it all figured out. Can’t you see the humor in that? I find it hysterically funny, that I have walked around with this type of belief, and missed out on so much that other people knew that was valid and useful information to me. People who had gifts and offerings as valuable as my own.
Today, I understand why Betty has stayed around so long. I have found it easy in my life to think of myself as better than others, because of my own reluctance to face up to what I wasn’t that good at, or what I felt insecure or shitty about. What a great solution, I thought! If I adopted the belief that I was better than those that I was insecure about, I could be less afraid.
It doesn’t quite work that way.
Instead of truly feeling like I was better than someone, I often felt just as, if not, more insecure than ever. I wasn’t being genuine with those around me, although I pretended I was. I gave the illusion of having my shit totally together, when actually I felt inadequate. Irony is so amazing to me, and interesting about what humans, like me, will do to not be found out about who we truly are.
Today, I know I don’t need to be better than; I just need to be my best self. That best self really means nothing to me unless I am showing it fully and honestly to the world, and although I am not perfect, I am working really hard to be the best that I can be. When I feel the nudge of my Betty Better Than trait to come out, I write down the impulse, or the act of having thought I was better than someone else. Then, I have to confess to that person my secret thoughts within 24 hours. Having a leash that tight on Betty is going to help me take her down.
Because, I truly just want to be me. Standing side by side with all the other just wanna be me’s……