Making myself small.

I have this thing that have done many times in my life, when I want to be less conspicuous, when I don’t want to cause, or be the source of conflict, or when I no longer feel welcome somewhere. I have tried to make myself smaller and smaller, like the Incredible Shrinking Woman. Have my presence be less and less apparent so that I didn’t piss anyone off, or use too much of something, or inconvenience anyone.

As a way to avoid conflict, it seemed like a noble effort I guess. However, it would end up that I would feel cloistered away to now make myself too visible, and then feel like I didn’t even belong where I was anymore. I would almost disappear, or at least wish that I could have.

Today, I still have a tendency to draw toward that, to try to make the peace, even out of an incredibly difficult situation. However, I find myself challenging this behavior more and more, as I go forth into my new home, and moving is only days away. I could easily just walk away with just the belongings that were clearly mine, packed in neat little boxes, and pretend for the last few days that I don’t even live here. To not make too much of a mess, or use too much of what has to remain when I am gone.

Nope, not doing it. I live here. I exist in this moment. I WILL NOT make myself small to keep the peace.

I used to do this more often in my life, because in my mind back then, speaking up for myself always meant I would have to have a fight to express my thoughts. I know that isn’t true now. Sometimes, verbal conflicts still occur. Sometimes, hurtful words get said to me, or harsh actions, and I don’t have to act a certain way. I stay present to the best of my ability, and breathe through it, and realize that it is not forever, and I am strong and can deal with anything, and I mean, ANYTHING that comes my way.

I am not striving to be a martyr, or a hero. Been there, done that. Really, I have tried to be the martyr or the hero in the past. I don’t want to save the day anymore, for anyone but me. I don’t want to be a martyr anymore; I just want to sort out my own difficulties, and I want others to learn how to sort theirs out, too, instead of taking it in. I just want to be the best person that I can be, and be a truth teller and live my life in a transparent way. I want to actually be a good person, not just try to look like a good person.

And, to save the world, I won’t make myself small anymore. What I want to do in this world is too big to be small……

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