Being alone is a fear producing circumstance for me. Not for the reasons that you might think. Not because I am afraid of physically coming to some harm, or that I feel unsafe in my new home or neighborhood. Being alone brings fears that are deeper and more emotional than that.
I know that I have not always been forthcoming in the past in my relationships when I have been unhappy, and as a result, communication broke down and we often ended up living two separate lives. It can be comforting to exist in that for a period of time, for both people in the relationship, just to avoid change or disruption in the routine that we have come to know.
However, I have wanted more for myself than that in the last few months. I want to not just be living in a situation because of fear, but rather, actively choosing to be a happier person. For now, that means being alone, without a relationship.
I am not looking to enter a relationship right now, believe me. I know that I need to focus on many other details of my life than dating right now. However, being alone means truly being by myself, with my heart and my thoughts. That is pretty freaking scary on most days.
To be in the quiet of my mind seemed easier a few days ago, when I would actually go to that place for solitude and clear thinking, to take a break from the chaos that was happening at the end of this process. Now, I leave the aloneness, I come home to the aloneness, I live in it.
I know that I am not really all alone; I have so many friends and a supportive family to help me through the rough spots. However, I also know that I need to be alone, in myself, my thoughts and my heart, for awhile, to heal and to gain some much needed strength.
I also have to learn how to truly, deeply love myself. I have come so far in that area in the last year, yet this has shaken me a bit and although I still have my root foundation, I need to work even harder at solidifying what I have established. I have to truly love me, for me.
Being alone at first glance seems so daunting, and yet, I know that it is necessary. And, I know that some of the most profound lessons of my life will come from it.