In the last year or so of my life, I have been through some amazing changes. Although all of those changes were positive, and somewhat necessary for me to move forward, they were each and every one big changes. Some of the changes that I have made are in the area of money, specifically that I have been paying for all purchases only with cash for eighteen months or so; in the area of family relationships, I have kept more consistent contact with my siblings and parents each week; in the area of my personal relationship, we decided to end our partner relationship and then I decided to move out. I have changed my body, my health, my spiritual practice and gotten sober.
However, although many of these changes have been necessary and welcome, they also represent losses to me, the loss of how my life had once been. I have been making plans, doing stuff, setting up my plans, goals and dreams, and keeping my mind focused and positive. However, I never hit the wall, and really absorbed what it is that I have lost in the last few months.
I no longer live in the house that I helped to purchase, refinish and keep maintained for the last twelve years. I no longer have my dogs with me, nor four out of five of my cats. My daughter is with me on a part time basis, and my partner and best friend is no longer my partner, and we are actively figuring out what we truly are in each other’s lives. Lots of loss.
So, after some keen eyes and hearts that I surround myself with caught on to my avoidance of the tough stuff, they called me out on my avoidance, and I got real with it. For most of the day today, I have been crying. Not just tears welling up in my eyes, but really feeling the tears. Tears have never come with any difficulty to me, however, I have often been disconnected from my emotions in my life. I rarely allowed myself to fully feel sadness, and I never let myself fully feel grief, at least, not since the death of my grandmother 30 years ago.
So, I shed many tears today, and I did something else that I never do: I called a friend. I reached out to her and told her I needed to talk, and she was there for me. I am not so great at asking for what I need in terms of support for my emotional state, probably because I never wanted to be in an emotional state really. I sobbed on the phone with her, truly felt the depth of my sadness.
Then, I felt better. I didn’t feel helpless, or lost in feeling badly about how I haven’t felt my feelings in the past. I felt a sense of gratitude that now I know what I need to work on; now I have discovered another character trait that while subtle, is sure to stand in the way of my dreams if I don’t take it down.
So, going forward from today, I am committed to teaching myself, with the help of those around me, how to really feel. How to not talk myself out of my feelings. And, how to use those new lessons to go toward the things that I most want in my life.