I am an optimist, see the glass half full, there is always hope, love and opportunity kind of woman. I take great pride in having a positive outlook on life and believing in the good of people. However, when I would have darker thoughts, judgmental thoughts, or mistrust or hide from my true feelings, I pretended that I was only the flavor of sweet, with no edge to me at all.
I am finally getting honest with myself and others about this.
I can’t speak for all humans, however, many of the humans that I have met through the Handel Group, many of them Coaches in Training like myself, have dark parts of themselves that they have kept hidden for much of their lives. For me, I always wanted to be liked, loved, admired, and looked up to for being the “go to” person; the person who would know how to fix the problem, heal the heart, or run the errand. I always believed that if I showed the parts of myself that were less flattering, that were darker and not so positive all the time, then people would find out that sometimes I am a mess, sometimes I am hurting, sometimes I am scared and overwhelmed and want to throw in the towel.
However, nothing but gifts have come my way since I started to acknowledge, and face up to my darker side. This is the side of me that can turn my emotions off, or pretend that I don’t have them in the first place. I can go cold inside like flipping a light switch. I turn off my listening skills so fully with a person trying to tell me their side of a situation, that I turn into a total bitch. I can get defensive, hostile and angry if a person doesn’t see things from my point of view. ANd, in those moments, I am almost always right.
So, I realized that I would need to really call this shit out, and take it on, if I want to have any chance at being a great coach and really connecting with others, as is my dream. So, I dug deep, explored this right to my core, and realized that I am doing the total opposite of what I say I want; I want connection, yet my actions at these times create mistrust and disconnect with others. So, I decided to start turning it around, get more aware of it, and stop trying to please others and just listen for a change.
I started with my former partner, my daughter’s other mom. I started with her, to whom this trait has been the most evident to, by just listening, and then letting her know that I want to help her in any way that I am able; not telling her what I think the solution is (which I have done to her for years), but rather, let her know I am here, if she decides that she needs the help. So, I can stop controlling, yet be available to her. And, guess what? we got along better than we have in a long time.
That is what I want, genuine connections with those that I love, and those that I have yet to meet, but I am finally realizing that I can’t have those connections and closeness if I shut myself down and act like I am perfect. The more human I show myself to be, the more that others can relate.
I am taking it down and am on my way.