I admit it. Even though I have adamantly denied it, and tried to press on like I was running some type of marathon, I am finally tired.
I am so afraid of being by myself.
I don’t mean afraid of my physical safety in being by myself in my home. I feel pretty physically secure here, envision escape plans in the event of fire or some other disaster, and have good security to keep intruders out.
I am talking emotionally afraid, afraid what it means to be all alone.
Since I came out almost thirty years ago, I have really defined myself, and designed my life, in the context of having an intimate relationship. I have fallen in love with, moved in with, had babies with, a few different women. And, for periods of those relationships, I was quite happy. However, there always seemed to come a point in the relationship, at different times with different people, when I stopped being happy, or at least, stopped denying that I was unhappy. It usually had to do with what the other person was, or was not doing to get me to my happy place. I understand better how selfish, short sighted and unfair that was, to not hold myself accountable in any way. And, I have been trying to clean that up with a few of the women that I have been in relationship with.
Now, much of the time, I feel pretty secure and peaceful about not currently being in a relationship. At those times, I understand that there is much work to be done for me to be ready to be real, my real self, in a relationship.
And, that is partly where the fear comes in. Who in their right mind is going to want me in all of my humanness? Anyone? What if the level of honesty, integrity and communication that I am looking for is too much for someone to handle?
What am I ever going to do without my best friend? I miss her so much. We are coparenting, and doing a pretty good job at it, and our daughter is well taken care of throughout this process. But, I miss my best friend. I miss telling her my fears, my family stories, my work issues or triumphs. And I miss hearing her stories, too.
It really just makes my heart feel so broken to realize what I have lost, what has been left behind in the midst of a broken relationship. I am so aware of the hurt of it, and I don’t like it. AT ALL.
Yet, I know that I need to stay in it, even when I don’t want to, and feel it until it has passed. And then, wake up, enjoy my day, and feel that joy, too. And, be with what feelings come along with this process.
So yes, there is some fear there, uncertainty, nervousness, and so much sadness in the changes that I have made to my life. Yet, in this moment, even in my tears, I am so grateful to FEEL, to be present to what is happening, and to understand that although the ending hurts and is a loss, it is also a new beginning for all of us, to live true lives and to be honest with ourselves.
I know that no matter what happens outside of my universe, I will be well, and taken care of, and loved.