Monthly Archives: August 2011

Getting Brave!

Over the last year, I have reframed my thinking about the word courage. To me, courage was always something that I pretended that I had, even when inside, I was scared to death. Courage was something that I thought that I should have, because it meant that I was going after what I really wanted. I avoided fear, or at least, admitting to feeling it, because I thought that if I admitted that I was afraid, it would keep me from my true purpose, from my dreams.

The irony in all that is, by denying to myself that I was truly afraid, yet pretending that I wasn’t, I wasn’t able to achieve my dreams anyway. I couldn’t get to my dreams because I was so busy being someone fake, someone who acted like she always had her shit together, but in reality, was a shit wreck underneath a great deal of the time. I misunderstood fear and its purpose in my life.

Today, I understand and accept that it is okay to be afraid; it usually means that we are facing up to, or on our way to, something really big in our lives. It means we are challenging ourselves and taking a risk toward success and dream achievement. It means we are actively engaged in our lives. Even more importantly for me, however, is that when I allow myself to feel, and admit to feeling, that fear within, it means that I am truly connected to my heart; really feeling my emotions and then, not hiding them from others. By being transparent and genuine about who I really am, I can let others really know me. I can be more human, instead of giving off a persona of being superhuman. I am vulnerable and reachable and humble in that way.

Lately, since I have embraced the fear within more often and honestly, I find myself willing to challenge myself more. I feel like I have so much at stake in the pursuit of living a brilliant life. I get brave about things that I never did before, like having the hard conversations with those that I love the most, telling those around me that I am hurting, asking for help. My most recent mission, is that I need to get brave, every week, in the pursuit of new friendships, and the maintenance of long time ones.

I am getting brave, countering the fear that I feel within.

It feels really good.

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It works if you work it.

About a year ago, I got myself sober. I got called out, by a gift of a person in my life, through the coaching program, about being a liar in regard to my drinking. At the time, it felt like a total affront, a confrontation that was not deserved. However, deep down, I knew that she was right. I knew that I had been lying to everyone around me about how worried I was about my drinking. I knew that night that she confronted me about my lies that I had to stop. Right then and there.

Part of my recovery and sobriety for over a year, has been possible through the support and connection I have created with AA. Being in the field of mental health, and assisting others with issues related to life, I had been pretty familiar with 12 step programs. I had read a lot of the literature, I had memorized some of the most common slogans, and I knew some people in the program. However, even after I got sober, I had no interest in actually being in the program. Going to meetings. Getting anything of value from it.

I was wrong. Again.

AA has been one of the best decisions of my life. I truly hear part of my own story, in the stories of every single person that speaks at a meeting. Every meeting that I go to, which is one a week at least for me, to keep a promise to myself, every meeting that I walk into is the one that I am meant to be in. Because in every meeting, the topic that is discussed is one that I most need to hear about, or talk about. The meetings don’t help because I get suggestions, although sometimes, I do. They don’t help because I have a person there who has the exact same journey as I do. They help me because there is a sense of fellowship there, and no matter what, you are welcomed back, every time.

Later this month, on my birthday, I will be celebrating, with my home group, one year of sober living. I will be proud and happy to get up and accept my medallion. I know that no matter what, this program has helped me. And, if I keep coming back, it will work for me if I work it.

The trees are crying.

The more deeply that I transform my life, build deeper relationships with those around me, and become more clear in what my mission and purpose is here, the better that I understand my strong connection with the Earth. I identify so deeply with my Native American roots, which has been since I was child. However, as I take down the traits that have tripped me up most of my life, and design my brilliant life and fulfill my dreams, those Native connections are stronger than ever, and directly related to my mission and purpose here.

Today, as I was driving to work, I was going a different way than I normally do, now that I am living in a different area. The area that I live in now is more suburban in nature, and the place that I lived in a few months ago was deeper in the country. As I drove through the country today, I noticed some severe clearing of wooded areas that was not so the last time I drove past. Dozens of big, full trees were either already toppled, or were in the process of being destroyed.

I swear, that as I drove by, I could feel the trees crying.

I understand that the world needs to build, grow, change. I know that development is necessary for people to work, to thrive, to have what they need. But nature no longer has what it needs, in so many situations. The wood animals, creatures, and the wood itself is being displaced for convenience.

I grieve, not for progress, but for the lack of a place for nature in the face of that progress. So, I keep connected, as much as possible, to my fellow creatures, to the natural habitats that surround me, so that I remain forever aware of my connection, and responsibility, to the earth and all of her beings.

Flipping off the Universe.

I have made it pretty well known to most of the people in my life, if not all of the people in my life, how shifted and different that I feel. Cleaner. More truthful. More inspired and focused on how to go after my dreams. Living my life that I intend as if I already have it. It is truly beautiful stuff. And today, as I was contemplating during my several hours of silence (I go most of the day and evening without speaking a whole lot when my daughter isn’t here; and I mostly enjoy the silence when I have it), I had a revelation of sorts.

I thought deeply about the work that I am doing through the Handel Group, the shifts that I am making in my own world, and the lives that I will help to evolve by being a coach. And, I went so deeply that I understood a bit of the spiritual realm that is my coaching work, as a client and as a coach. This is what I realized: if I am not living my best life, being truthful with myself and with those around me, and truly going after my dreams with intention and purpose, I am basically flipping off the Universe. Or God. Or Buddha. Or whomever you give your allegiance to in the area of spirituality, if anything.

For me to look in the face of spiritual greatness, as a human being on this earth, and to not do every single thing that I am meant to do as my mission and purpose, with the gifts that I have been given to do them, is me slapping God in the face. It is saying, through my actions, or lack thereof, that I take for granted the opportunity that I have been given to make a difference and to change the world. When I came to this realization today, it hit me hard. It was one of those clunker type moments, which I seem to have more often lately, that just leaves me speechless for a period of time. I know that I chose to be here, with the parents that I chose, and to fulfill the mission that I am working on every day. However, if I go about that mission without gratitude, without understanding the deep honor and privilege it is to be me, right here and now, working my magic, then I am telling Great Spirit that I could care less about the gifts that I have been given.

I feel so humbled, in awe and inspired by all that is around me. I falter, I fail, I want to give up at times. However, on days like today, when I truly feel the impact of what I am working on here, I feel absolutely alive, full of light, and magical.

Now, that to me, is a true spiritual awakening.