Over the last year, I have reframed my thinking about the word courage. To me, courage was always something that I pretended that I had, even when inside, I was scared to death. Courage was something that I thought that I should have, because it meant that I was going after what I really wanted. I avoided fear, or at least, admitting to feeling it, because I thought that if I admitted that I was afraid, it would keep me from my true purpose, from my dreams.
The irony in all that is, by denying to myself that I was truly afraid, yet pretending that I wasn’t, I wasn’t able to achieve my dreams anyway. I couldn’t get to my dreams because I was so busy being someone fake, someone who acted like she always had her shit together, but in reality, was a shit wreck underneath a great deal of the time. I misunderstood fear and its purpose in my life.
Today, I understand and accept that it is okay to be afraid; it usually means that we are facing up to, or on our way to, something really big in our lives. It means we are challenging ourselves and taking a risk toward success and dream achievement. It means we are actively engaged in our lives. Even more importantly for me, however, is that when I allow myself to feel, and admit to feeling, that fear within, it means that I am truly connected to my heart; really feeling my emotions and then, not hiding them from others. By being transparent and genuine about who I really am, I can let others really know me. I can be more human, instead of giving off a persona of being superhuman. I am vulnerable and reachable and humble in that way.
Lately, since I have embraced the fear within more often and honestly, I find myself willing to challenge myself more. I feel like I have so much at stake in the pursuit of living a brilliant life. I get brave about things that I never did before, like having the hard conversations with those that I love the most, telling those around me that I am hurting, asking for help. My most recent mission, is that I need to get brave, every week, in the pursuit of new friendships, and the maintenance of long time ones.
I am getting brave, countering the fear that I feel within.
It feels really good.