Monthly Archives: September 2011

Inside, and outside.

Last night, I was at an AA meeting close to home. I always walk away from my weekly meetings with a new revelation, a new part of my recovery that helps in the journey. Last night was no different in that regard.

One of the premises of AA is the sense of fellowship, the community that we become a part of. And, what was stated at the meeting was, that the first year of sobriety is about healing and recovery of self, and after that first year, our recovery becomes about what we can do for AA, and do for others.

I was astounded at how true those words were to me, not in their meaning, but rather, in the absolute truth of it. I have been working my sobriety, and working on my self, more actively than ever in the last two years. What I realized as I reflected on that statement last night, and again this morning, is that I am evolving into a person that is so aware of what I want to do for and with others.

For much of my adult life, I have offered of myself, but it always had a caveat to it; I always wanted to be recognized for what I gave or offered. Even though I said that I didn’t want recognition, I kept thoughts in my head that I did, and when I didn’t get acknowledged, I would hold resentment about it and believe that I was not appreciated. What a trap!

Since I have been working on calling out my character traits, communicating more honestly with others, and apologizing where it was necessary to open up the relationship and go to a deeper place. Now that I am feeling confident in my willingness to open up communication, and own my traits without going to feeling badly about them, I feel so opened up to offer to others.

It is so exciting to me, because for the first time in my life, I feel the importance of being the same person in all parts of my life, and the importance of speaking the truth with those in my life from the very beginning. I have reflected on the messes created in my life when I haven’t spoken the truth, and seen the powerful results when I do speak the truth.

So, as I go forward today, in my commitment to my recovery, and to my life, I am excited to offer what I am learning, and who I am, with all of those around me. Going from inside of my self, to outside of my self, feels revolutionary and evolutionary all at the same time.

Trust, having enough, and peanut butter deals

I have spent much of my life not believing that there was enough. I had to look for good deals, bargains and sales so that I could stock up on supplies, just in case. It has been exciting to find the deals, yet anxiety producing to constantly be in a state of worry of what I need to be prepared for.

I eat peanut butter and jelly every day for lunch. And, recently, even though I had plenty of peanut butter in my house, and at my office, I kept having a nagging feeling that I should stock up on peanut butter, when it was on a good sale, just in case. Just so I would make sure to have enough. I had no trust that I wouldn’t get the deal, when I really needed the peanut butter.

I am finding my true self as a spiritual being. And, to evolve and grow as a spiritual being, I am learning to let go, and to have deep faith and trust in what will be for me. Although I am designing more intentionally than ever, to create the life that I love, there are aspects of my life that are completely out of my control. I am powerless to anything that happens that does not have to do directly with me. Letting go of that is freeing, and scary at the same time. It means that I need to deepen my trust that I will always be cared for, and that the more that I hold on tightly, the less I am likely to build that trust. I need to stop trying to control, to let go, and trust that the how will be shown to me. As long as I keep the dream in my sights, the how doesn’t really matter. I will surely get there.

I will never forget.

I will never forget. Where I was ten years ago. What I saw, heard, and felt. How I feel every year on this day, and many other days in between.

September 11, 2001.

Ten years have gone by, which seems next to impossible to me. My child is growing up, my jobs have changed, where I live has changed three times in those ten years. I have grown older, wise, and happier.

I can only imagine that for those persons that have been touched in the closest way by the events of that day, time does not pass quickly, but slowly, weighed down with doubt, grief, fear, maybe anger.

Despair.

I know that since that day, I look at our world differently. Not angry, or hateful, but more open, and seeking understanding. I seek understanding, less for reasons of discovering why someone committed that specific act, but rather, what does faith truthly mean to each one of us?

The ones taken? The ones left behind? Those that committed the acts?

We all have faith, and belief of one sort or another.

My truest belief, and greatest intention, is that we can all go forward and remember that although there are many differences among all of us that live in this world, there are many more aspects that make us similar. We are all connected in a deeply spiritual way.

I pray, intend, and send out thoughts of peace, solace and understanding on this day.

There is no such thing as luck!

I have had many profound shifts in thinking and feeling over the last two years. It has been powerful and loving work, and as a result of my work, I am enjoying deeper and more connected relationships with others; I am getting more brave to try new things; and I am realizing some dreams that I had long ago put upon the shelf. I feel blessed and happy, getting happier every day.

There has been many times in my life that I would have chalked these brilliant shifts up to being lucky, fortunate, falling under a lucky star. I believed for a long time that the good fortune, or heartache, came from outside of me and that I had no hand in the design. I mean, I would acknowledge that I had done some practical things to be successful, like apply for the new job, go back to school, or read about something. But, when true beauty would land in my life, I often found myself being thankful for my good fortune.

So, in turn, I would often come in contact with people that would believe that that they lived unfortunate lives; that nothing good came their way; that they were powerless to the karma or Universe and never got a break. It really got me thinking.

What feels so much deeper, more beautiful and exciting, is that I am truly designing all aspects of my brilliant life. I designed conversations to clean up situations that I have not handled gracefully in my life. I designed being tired from not going to bed early enough, or running out of time. I designed my recent, amazing relationship with money and paying down my debt. I designed a teaching gig that is a topic that I have wanted to teach at the college level for 13 years.

No luck anywhere to be found.

It could be really easy to believe that is all due to luck, and the charms that I wear on my neck or the wishes that I make as I blow on a dandelion. However, I want to be powerful; I want to be in charge of the brilliant design that is my result. So, that means, luck can’t be part of that. It is all my work, my play, my dreams.

So now, instead of looking for that four leaf clover to carry with me, I think I will just lie in the field of it. Amazing!