I hit a rock bottom this week. Not a drunken one, although I have hit those before in my life. Rather, an emotional/psychic/soulful rock bottom. I looked within, saw my humanness, in one of its darkest forms, and wanted to stay in that dark place, and make it into something evil and vulgar.
I fully faced up to one of my dark, human traits: My arrogant, know it all self.
Now, she has always been there, trying to run the show, and often in charge of the thoughts in my head. Or, so I thought. The funny part, she is ME, so that means, when I let her run the show, it is myself that is wreaking havoc in my own life.
What does it look like when arrogance is at the helm? For me, it means that I don’t ask questions, even when I don’t understand. I don’t want to look stupid, I don’t want to look uninformed, so I fake it, a lot. I don’t say all of what is on my mind, so that means that I often withhold my feelings of anger, frustration, overwhelm, sadness or stress, out of arrogance to handle it on my own. So, that which I am most afraid of, being alone, becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
The bigger laugh in the whole thing, is that my arrogance is truly not arrogance at all. It is a big, fake front to keep me from truly trusting anyone else. I am amazed at how deep that actually goes, that fear of trusting others to be there for me and care for my heart. I am learning, and I am unlearning, the ways that I have looked at it for much of my life.
So, I need to ask questions, and I need to say that which I usually leave out: I am excited to be a coach, but scared about being official; I am happy to be visiting family out of town this weekend, but I am dreading the trip after working all day tomorrow. I am excited for the holiday season, and sad to not have my daughter with me the entire time. Now, I am learning to tell all sides of the story, not just the one that I don’t mind showing.
The thing is, I don’t know everything, but it doesn’t mean I don’t know ANYTHING, either. By being open and honest about my own level of arrogance, my own tendency to know it all, I am inspiring others to open up as well, get real with themselves, and really fulfill my mission and purpose here. So, although the work right now feels strange, and difficult, the results are all that I have dreamed of. Humility. Connection. Trust. Purpose. LOVE.