I have been working really hard the last few weeks, to become much more present to and aware of some of my most challenging traits. These traits are the ones which are the most sneaky, the most evasive, yet do the most damage to myself, and to my relationships with those around me. The work that I have been doing since early last month is getting me much more acquainted with why I do what I do. Let me explain.
I have always considered myself to be a good person. I still do, no worries. Yet, I always have had thoughts that I wasn’t willing to share with others. So, there are two main ways that they would come out, sideways if you will. If I was saying to someone, “I am fine”, when actually, I was hurting in some way, I was actually lying to that person, and being fake about what was really going on with me. I have done this for more of my life than many who know me may realize. Besides the fact that it hurt me to keep all of that pain and difficulty to myself, it was a way to keep myself from being authentic with those around me.
The other thoughts that I didn’t share with others was when I was worried, frightened, or concerned about something going on. The thought that I would have would be arrogance, that if that other person would only do, say, or think the way that I did, they would be happier. Now, this ending you might be able to predict: since we all need to make our own decisions in life, it was more often than not that those around me wouldn’t do what I wanted them to, so that always gave my mind room for thoughts of judgment toward another. When they didn’t do as I believed was best for them, my brain left lots of room to judge them for the outcome.
Now, I am blessed and fortunate to have so many people around me, who love and care about me. And, I haven’t lost people in my life as I go through this process of transition. However, it presents a new, amazing opportunity to get real with people, about what is going on with me, and to keep loving them, right where they are at, at the same time. Just think: if I can embrace my own humanness, frailty and vulnerability, imagine how easily I can embrace it in others.
I am on a path of awareness and understanding, and with the added, increasing benefit of faith and trust, that I will be cared for through it all, I can hardly wait to see what comes next.