Tracking my thoughts.

For the last two months, I have been keeping track of my daily thoughts that are arrogant or fake, and any arrogant or fake actions. I have also been keeping track of any lies that I told. The purpose of this, through my work with my coaches at the Handel Group, is to get really present to my thoughts, and my traits, that most stand in the way of what it is that I want in my life. The results have been fascinating and profound.

Let me be clear: I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to be held accountable to my traits, which meant, I wanted to keep them close and not let go of them. And, as long as I was swimming in my arrogance without asking for help, and swirling in my faker trait, and pretending I was okay when I wasn’t, life was not going to improve. Truly, my life won’t get any better if I insist on holding onto traits that don’t help me to go toward my dreams. If I am acting all knowing, and not asking questions, I won’t learn, AND bigger than that, I won’t connect with those around me in an authentic way. When I say I am fine, when I am really in pain, or confused, then I don’t allow others to help me, or to let me know me in my true form.

I have spent much of my life afraid, afraid to move, to speak, to truly be myself. That is what tracking these daily thoughts has brought to me; an awareness of how often each day I think these thoughts, and also, how much of my life and my steps, or lack thereof, have been guided by being afraid of something that might happen. I try to write the ending before I even try. Today, I am proud to say that my thought tracking has very few entries on it each day, as I am thinking the thoughts less often.

The other part is that I write down daily where I am strong, and capable, and speak up in truth. It is fascinating to me how often I have not viewed myself as a strong person, and now, I am embracing that. No matter what, my self is what needs to shine, grow and be available to those around me, in order to fulfill my mission of what I am here to do.

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