Monthly Archives: March 2012

Letter to my daughter, 2012.

My dear daughter,

Another year has passed, and I want to take the opportunity to express to you, what you truly mean to me.

Your arrival, fourteen years ago, that symbol of your soul choosing me as your mom, and Jamie and I as your parents, changed my life forever. As you developed and grew within me, I felt a strong connection to that living being. I didn’t yet know if you were a boy, or a girl, and then one day, I felt strongly that you were a girl. I just knew.

As connected as I felt to you when I was carrying you, I had no clue how much that connection would deepen and grow. From holding you when you were newly born, and totally dependent; to your toddler years when you started to become more independent and exploring your world; and to your transitions in age and development since then, including right now, as a growing teenager.

The road has not always been smooth for us as mother and daughter. For much of your life, when I would get scared about something going on with you, or with me, I would disconnect myself from you, going away from my heart. At the time, I thought that it was the right way to protect and parent you. Yet, what happened is that you stopped trusting me; you were frequently afraid of how I would react to something; and you shut your heart off from me, too.

Today, I am doing it differently. I am opening my heart with you, trusting you and trusting myself more as well. And, the beauty in me opening up my heart, is that you are opening yours, too. we trust each other, we connect deeply, and we have some amazing talks. I know you better than ever before, and am letting you know all parts of me as well.

There are so many challenges that we will continue to face as a family. I know now that because we are opened up to one another, we can overcome and deal with anything that comes our way.

I want you to know how proud that I am of who you are, and who you continue to become. The person that you show yourself to be to the world is confident, loving, connected, brave, intelligent, and humble. You want to make a difference in the world, which you already are, and will continue to do.

I want you to know that there is nothing that you cannot tell me, that I am here for you always, and I love you, fully and completely.

Mom

There is always time for gratitude.

I have a morning ritual that I have been doing since shortly after Christmas. I was given a bracelet from my brother and his family, a Gratitude bracelet; the word “Gratitude” is spelled out, on individual beads, one bead for each letter, with the premise being to express something you are grateful for with each bead. I started doing it shortly after I received it as a gift.

What I noticed, after having been doing it for a few weeks, is that my day started out more peaceful, and I felt more connected to the lessons and the beauty in my life. It was working, focusing on what I have to be grateful for, in each day of my life. However, it is funny how we can forget how good, feeling good really feels…..

There are mornings when getting out of the house, and getting a teen daughter to school and me to work, can be a bigger challenge than others. On those mornings, I fool myself into believing that saving sixty seconds will make all the difference. So it was yesterday morning, as I was finishing up to get us out the door. I was putting on my jewelry, and as I took my gratitude bracelet out, I went to put it on, thinking, “I don’t have time for my gratitude list today, I will do it when I get to work.”

Then, it hit me. There is ALWAYS time for gratitude. ALWAYS.

We might not always feel the desire to have gratitude, or the energy to call up for gratitude, but there is always time and space for it, even when it feels like we have to search so hard to find it. It is always there, and it is always the right time to express it and call it to our hearts.

What a brilliant lesson for me, in the midst of challenges and new paths in my life. I see now, more than I have ever before, that there is ALWAYS space, opportunity, and TIME for gratitude.

Designing my Life.

I have been involved with the Handel Group officially, after just checking them out from a distance, for about two years now. In that time, I have learned a great deal about our methodology, and how we help ourselves, and others, create brilliant lives. I have seen the magic work for myself, and for many people around me. And, I believe in it fully.

Yet, I really didn’t get how specifically I actually design my own life, for the great, and the not so great.

I mean, I accepted the concept that we design our own lives; that we create what it is that we want, and also, what we say that we don’t want. We are the ones calling the shots in our life situations. The part that I totally didn’t want to accept how I was designing my life, my life that in many ways was a chaotic mess. And, it didn’t just become that way; I made it that way.

It really took a wake up call, from myself, to me, and others around me that love me immensely, to let me know that I really have to own what and where I need to change in my life, in order for my life to change. Like, if I want to do it, I just have to DO it.

How often have I sat back as an observer to my life, watching how things played out, and pretending like I didn’t have to own any accountability in the outcome? Easy, right? Then I don’t have to take responsibility when things go terribly wrong, but I loved taking it when it went in a way that I loved.

Today, I am embracing all of it, the big, fat mistakes that I make almost daily, and the rich rewards from living a life that is more transparent, honest, and free. It is so much easier to have faith and trust in the days ahead, when I know that I am designing them so much more beautifully, and intentionally, than I ever have before.

The path ahead of me will continue to have storms to weather and rocky times, yet I know that I can design the lessons and the outcomes to be beautiful and mine to own.

The Sky.

I have been really diligent in the last week or so to really stay in the moment. That is not as easy as it may seem. To really stay present, in what is happening right now, is truly a challenge. It is not just about not getting distracted by other happenings in the vicinity where we are at the time. It is not getting distracted by where our thoughts want to take us, which are unproductive, or even destructive or harmful.

It is those moments when we want to be at peace, and yet, we find, I FIND, many things to worry, obsess, or think about.

So, I worked really hard this week to spend many of my moments during the day, to be in that moment. When I was on the phone, keeping my attention on the person whom I was talking with. When I was with my daughter, really enjoying those moments in the car or at home, without thinking of the half dozen things I needed to tell her right then. When at work, being present to what I was doing and really committing to that.

As I said, it was difficult much of the time. It takes real skill, and focus, and diligence. Yet, when I did feel fully in the moment, I felt really joyful, because I was present to my life, what was happening right then.

I realized this week, that one thing that inspires me to stay in the moment is the sky. Why? Because in almost every moment, it looks different. The clouds move, the colors change, the dawn or dusk is upon me. As I watched the sky in all of its amazing forms this week, whether from my car, while I was walking, or from my home out the window, I got present to its magic in that moment.

I feel so blessed and fortunate that I get to observe that amazing sky each and every day, and it reminded me this week of the importance of staying present. Because, once this moment is gone, it is gone.

And I don’t want to miss it.

Having Radical Faith.

This week was a week that was a struggle. Much of it was self imposed struggle, but nonetheless, it felt heavy and difficult much of the time. I was tired. I was discouraged. I was sad. Many circumstances in my life currently, and much of the thoughts in my own head, kept me in a funk and only periods of time when I felt pretty balanced.

So, I started thinking about faith, radical faith. Just as I spoke about radical truth, I also was thinking about radical faith this week. To me, Radical Faith is the presence of a belief in yourself, and in a Higher Power, that all will be well. Through the combination of my own efforts and design, and what Great Spirit has in store for me, I started believing more deeply that all will be well.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I believe that my life just needs to be easy breezy, with no challenges or room for difficulty. I know that I am going to encounter challenges in my life; I am in the midst of some right now. And, I am not asking for a reprieve from those challenges. I actually frame them in a perspective of gratitude, gratitude for the struggles, for in my deepest struggles, I grow well beyond what I believed.

What I am looking for is a deep, profound connection with a belief in hope, in a belief that all will be well through my efforts and through being watched over and guided. Faith. Radical Faith. What makes it so radical for me is that I have rarely let go of controlling my surroundings long enough to let go. Radical Faith means letting go of what is not mine to handle, and trusting that it will be taken care of as it should. And, that I will always be watched over, protected and loved.

This is not such a stretch for me anymore. I am feeling more connected and a part of something bigger than myself than ever before. Yet, when I get discouraged, or feel overwhelmed, I stay in my own head and believe that I need to take on the world by myself.

So, I am learning more deeply, that to have Radical Faith means to trust that I will be cared for, that all will be well, and that I can trust myself, too.