Powerlessness.

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step One, Alcoholics Anonymous

I have recently gotten a sponsor through AA, to begin doing some deeper work on the twelve steps of the program. Just as I had resisted the program itself in the beginning, as not being what I needed to get, and to stay sober, I have resisted having a willingness to getting a sponsor for months now. I believed that in many ways, I had worked on the steps, formally and informally, through my coaching work. I had done what I needed to do.

Yet again, a trait of mine, the one that knows everything, that potentially could trip me up from a recovery and life that I feel proud of fully.

So, I approached a woman in the program, who agreed to be my sponsor, and to help me to work the steps. I am pretty familiar with each step, and I have done some work on them. However, I was looking for a deeper meaning and purpose to why the program works for me.

We started two weeks ago, with reading about and discussing Step One. I have to say, this is the step that I have had difficulty with from the beginning, and not just in the rooms of AA. I have had trouble with this for most of my life, admitting powerlessness to situations and circumstances in my life.

I am a person, still at times, that wants to have control over most everything. Okay, sometimes, EVERYTHING, even. If I am at the helm, things will run more smoothly and be done correctly, is what my mind tells me when my control freak revs up. So, for me to consider that any issue in my life, including my alcoholism, has something to do with being powerless, I wanted none of it. Surely, there is something that I can do, or have done, that I am not some victim of this, that it isn’t something that just happened to me.

That felt really lame, and irresponsible in my mind, like I was saying, I can’t handle this, and therefore, not having to take the impact of the consequences.

What I am learning about powerlessness, today at least, is that to admit that we were powerless, means that we are dealing with something that is bigger than ourselves. It isn’t meant to be an out from taking responsibility for what we need to improve and to change; it just means, there may be some bigger challenges in keeping to that.

For me, addiction is something that I believe is part of me genetically; and, just like with my traits that I have learned to embrace so well, it doesn’t ever go away completely. I just learn how to cope with it, and make healthier choices for myself, a day at a time.

Today, I am able to see powerlessness not as a lack of power and control in my life; but rather, a turning over and admittance to needing help. It is humility, not arrogance or disregard.

Today, powerlessness empowers me to create a bigger, brighter life for me.

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