I have been thinking about it recently, and I realized that through much of my life, I have been a quest for pure faith.
I am not unlike many humans in this regard, I believe. What I mean by pure faith, is a faith that is steadfast, secure, and never waivers. That is what I have been seeking.
There are times in my life when I have come close. I remember being in church when I was an adolescent, feeling so moved and inspired by the prayer recitings, and songs that we would sing together in such an organized fashion. I remember feeling so deeply connected when I would smell the incense burning at the high holy days, when I would receive communion in my mouth. When I would kneel, pray and reflect. I felt full of faith then.
And, I can remember in college, when I needed space and time for reflection, I would always go to the chapel, that my first year was right in the same building as my dorm. It was so peaceful, and quiet, and I always felt God there.
I also am present to times since then, when I would be moved by a sunrise, or the beauty of nature, and be present to the fact that something greater than myself exists.
But it has never felt truly pure. I have always had doubts about whether or not a Higher Power truly exists. I have often not prayed for help or guidance, sure that I could handle it myself.
I have had a very hard time in my life, letting go, and letting God.
So, is pure faith really possible and attainable in this life? I wonder now if it really exists; not, mind you, if faith exists. I see that every day. But is it truly possible to have all faith, in all times?
I have seen depictions of persons, and met some in my life, who seem purely faithful. And, then I wonder, do they ever doubt? Does their faith waiver, and become uncertain, at times of darkness or fear?
I feel more faithful today in my life than ever before. I am expressing gratitude, present to my blessings, and I have a deeper realization than ever before that I am not doing this on my own; that there is a power greater than myself that is at work and helping me along the way.
I also see faith expanded for me today, in that I am learning to see every human as a reflection of God, of Higher Power. So, as I become more faithful, it means faith in others as well as faith in my Higher Power. I have to be able to recognize the beauty and wonder in each human being, NO MATTER WHAT.
So, does pure faith exist? I am not sure, but for today, I want to just keep deepening the faith that I do have.