Knocking from the inside.

“I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens.
I’ve been knocking from the inside!” Rumi

There have been countless times in my life, when I believed that the answers to my questions were outside of myself. Whether that showed itself in being an attentive student in school, or doubting my capabilities as a parent, or in seeking advice or counsel from friends or partners. Even though I would defer to what I wanted to do, it was almost always after finding out about what others might do, or what I thought that they would do, in any given situation.

I have also been frequently influenced by the actions of others, whether I asked their advice or not. If someone I knew dressed a certain way, performed a certain daily ritual, or started eating a certain kind of food, I would want to “try it on”, to see how it felt for me. To be more like that person, or to appear cool, more together, or to feel like I fit in better with the world around me.

The real truth is, as I have come to discover especially in the last two years, is that my whole life, I have been knocking on the door of my life, trying to get someone to answer, trying to look outside of myself to get what I needed.

And, the cosmic joke of the whole deal, is that I have been knocking from the inside this whole time!

The deep lesson for me, that I continue to learn every day, is that any answer that I seek, is all within me. I can try to make it about someone else, or the weather, or my job or traffic. The only truth that exists is that the real answers are always inside of me. Funny thing is, they always have been, as well.

I know what I want, and I know who it is that I want to be in this world, and when I defer that knowledge to others, or to life situations, I not only don’t get to experience the joy of my own discovery. I also get a sneaky way to not have to be accountable for realizing my own dreams. I don’t want that anymore.

Today, I see clearly that the answer to any of life’s questions, the path to any quest or adventure, is within myself. And that is the best place for me to always start, and end.

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