My original idea for this post title was, “Finding my Voice”. Then, when I really thought about it, I remembered that I had already FOUND it.
Tonight, I USED it.
Since I was a young child, I have loved music, and loved to sing. In junior high, and high school, I was part of my school’s choir, and when I was in my later high school years, I got to compete all over New England. I loved it and even wanted to make it a career choice for a time. Then, I decided that I wasn’t up for the competition I would have to endure to make a performing career for myself.
That WASN’T using my voice.
I spent this evening, 32 years after my high school career in music, by singing with my partner and her band, Lucan, performing a Kirtan at our local yoga studio. Kirtan is the practice of mantras, in order to connect to a higher level of consciousness, to meditate, to commune with others. It is a powerful experience.
When I anticipated singing for this amazing event, I was initially scared, doubtful, self conscious. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to evoke through my voice what I would want people in the audience to feel: love, faith, hope, opportunity, rejoicing, gratitude.
This self doubt has been a theme in my life, both literally and figuratively, when it comes to my voice. In singing, I doubted my own ability to make a successful career of it, so I gave up. I have no regrets about that, but it is a clear example of when I didn’t use my voice to speak up for what I really wanted, and to go for it.
I have spent a great deal of my life not using my voice, by not speaking up to intolerance; not being honest with those around me about how I feel; and not asking for what I really want. So, tonight, my sitting in front of a microphone, dressed in white, seated next to my love, was an awe inspiring experience.
It reminds me this evening how much I have used my voice in the last two years of my life, to choose a career that I feel good about; to find love that is connected and real and free; to ask questions and invite the answers about my spiritual self; to be open and honest with those around me, without apology.
So I realize, that whether I am in a candlelit yoga studio with two dozen like minded people, or with a person that I am getting to know, that using my voice, to speak truth, love, and connection, is what I want in my life most of all.
And, I will keep singing my song.