Ego’s dream or Spiritual calling?

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be, and exercised, being a writer. I have kept journals, written stories and poems, and loved the sound of words in my head and in my ears. Even though I have pursued other avenues as a career in my life, my writing always stayed close as an activity of importance to me.

A few years ago, when I found out about blogging, and began writing with some regularity, I noticed something interesting that happened with my writing. I found that I equated the importance of what I wrote, and the impact that it potentially had, by how many people had visited my blog and read what I wrote. I would go to my blog, sometimes several times a day, to see where in the world people were from that had visited, and how many my count increased by each day. I would watch for milestones, like 100,000, and then, 200,000 visitors, as a way to gauge how important my writing was to the world.

In a sense, it was my ego driven dream that was at the helm. I had a dream to be a famous writer, to be known throughout the world, and really began to believe, and did believe for quite some time, that the work I was meant to do was all about maximizing the numbers that would read, how well known I would be, and how much money I would get to make by doing it.

Writing is still such an important part of my life, although I don’t always make the time for it that I need to. But, I have noticed a big shift recently, in what I believe is in it for me. I mean, what is it that is really supposed to come from my writing? What is it that is meant for me in it all, and for the world? Why am I doing it? What is the impact supposed to be?

For years, I have thought that the impact that I was meant to have was based in how published I became, and how “famous” I was by my writing. I have since discovered, all in the last few months, that I am being called to a bigger purpose than that. I do believe that my words are meant to be out in the world; however, I don’t think that the way that they get there, and have the deep impact that they are meant to have, is the result of me selling millions of books. I think it is more subtle in its form; I think it is the phrase that I write; it is the words of encouragement, sometimes the fewest of words, that a person reads and feels heard, inspired, loved, or connected.

So, what always seemed to me to be the dream of what I wanted to do in the world, became a way for me to deeply connect with myself, and with others, by measuring the impact not in dollars, or other numbers.

The impact is in how closely it connects me with those of you who read.

So, thank you. For coming back, for reading, for commenting.

And, for letting me know what these words mean to you. Thanks for filling my soul.

Photos the work of Brenda Ann Fernandes

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