I love the experience of getting to know myself as a full fledged human being, flaws and all. At least, on most days, it feels like an adventure and something that I welcome as an experience. However, it has not always been that way.
For most of my existence, I have avoided, denied and hidden all aspects of my humanity that seemed less than appealing. My anger, jealousy, resentment, lying, and bitterness were all aspects that seemed so seedy, so unlovable, that I didn’t dare show them to others, let alone, be honest with myself when they would be present.
There were really two things going on during those times of hiding aspects of myself. First of all, I felt such shame and guilt about being angry with someone, or for being resentful toward another human being, or worst of all, judging another person, that I didn’t want to admit that I felt that way. The other big thing happening at those times, is that I wanted to look really good to others. I didn’t want anyone around me to believe that I was anything other than kind, giving, open and honest.
The truth is, I had many moments of kindness, giving and honesty. However, I also pretended that there was no negative sides of me in those times. I pretended, to myself and to others, that I had no character traits or flaws that needed to be called out and worked on. I judged others around me for being control freaks, when I am one of the biggest ones on the planet.
The place that I had to come to with myself, and with others, was that I possess traits that I admirable and positive; as well as traits that show the more insecure, vulnerable part of myself. That only when I take all of my parts into consideration, do I really have the full understanding of what it means to be a human.
I often thought that to be the right kind of human being, I had to be loving all the time, and not admit that I have times when I feel pretty awful, and at times, downright bitchy, mean and judgmental. I understand that even though I can feel judgmental, mean or even resentful at times, that I don’t have to indulge those feelings; I can just feel them, let them go, and keep calling myself to a higher way of being as I deepen my faith that I am just as I should be.
Completely, purely human.