So, for the last few weeks, I have not been attending any AA meetings. Now, I have stayed sober. I haven’t even had the craving for a drink. But, I had the notion, that I was doing fine without meetings; that I wasn’t having any trouble maintaining my sobriety; and I could do fine on my own.
That, my friends, is my story. However, the end of last week changed my perspective quite a bit.
You see, I have been going through this transition, when I want to be able to just give up, or take up, things, activities and rituals that feel good to me, simply because they feel good, not because I NEED to do them. God forbid, I keep a consistent schedule of doing something, because I have a need to do it to keep me balanced and healthy.
So, I tried myself at not attending meetings. I enjoyed the free evenings, or Saturday mornings when I would typically attend. I enjoyed embracing my sobriety without hearing the stories of others, or telling my own. And, I felt totally confident that there was nothing that could shake my commitment to staying clean and sober.
And then, Friday happened, that terrible day in Newtown, Connecticut.
No, I don’t know anyone that died that day, or whom even had connections to anyone that died. But I felt sick inside; sick for a community torn apart; families losing loved ones.
And, the children. The babies that were taken decades too soon.
After believing that my sobriety was well in hand, and that I had no worries when it came to cravings or triggers, I found one. In that day, and the days that have followed, I have thought long and hard about how I would most likely respond if a person that I love, and especially, my child, were to have some serious, life threatening event occur.
I would want to go right away and park my ass on a bar stool. Or, by a nice sized bottle of anything alcoholic and go to it, to numb away the emotional pain of loss. Of grief. Of not wanting to deal with the reality of a bad situation.
Since then, I more deeply understand how delicate my sobriety is. Not my commitment to it; that is rock solid. But, in an instant, I can sacrifice it all, to deal with a situation that life may throw at me.
So, I know that I need to stay humble. I need to continue to be grateful to my Higher Power, my Source, my Great Spirit, for keeping me sober for today.
And, I need to keep going to meetings. Yes, I need to. Because my sober life, my happy, sober life, is too important for me to let go.