Complacency, cravings and how to stay sober.

So, for the last few weeks, I have not been attending any AA meetings.  Now, I have stayed sober.  I haven’t even had the craving for a drink.  But, I had the notion, that I was doing fine without meetings; that I wasn’t having any trouble maintaining my sobriety; and I could do fine on my own.


That, my friends, is my story.  However, the end of last week changed my perspective quite a bit.


You see, I have been going through this transition, when I want to be able to just give up, or take up, things, activities and rituals that feel good to me, simply because they feel good, not because I NEED to do them.  God forbid, I keep a consistent schedule of doing something, because I have a need to do it to keep me balanced and healthy. 


So, I tried myself at not attending meetings.  I enjoyed the free evenings, or Saturday mornings when I would typically attend.  I enjoyed embracing my sobriety without hearing the stories of others, or telling my own.  And, I felt totally confident that there was nothing that could shake my commitment to staying clean and sober.


And then, Friday happened, that terrible day in Newtown, Connecticut.


No, I don’t know anyone that died that day, or whom even had connections to anyone that died.  But I felt sick inside; sick for a community torn apart; families losing loved ones.


And, the children.  The babies that were taken decades too soon.


After believing that my sobriety was well in hand, and that I had no worries when it came to cravings or triggers, I found one.  In that day, and the days that have followed, I have thought long and hard about how I would most likely respond if a person that I love, and especially, my child, were to have some serious, life threatening event occur.  


I would want to go right away and park my ass on a bar stool.  Or, by a nice sized bottle of anything alcoholic and go to it, to numb away the emotional pain of loss.  Of grief.  Of not wanting to deal with the reality of a bad situation.


Since then, I more deeply understand how delicate my sobriety is.  Not my commitment to it; that is rock solid.  But, in an instant, I can sacrifice it all, to deal with a situation that life may throw at me.  


So, I know that I need to stay humble.  I need to continue to be grateful to my Higher Power, my Source, my Great Spirit, for keeping me sober for today.


And, I need to keep going to meetings.  Yes, I need to.  Because my sober life, my happy, sober life, is too important for me to let go.


6 thoughts on “Complacency, cravings and how to stay sober.

  1. as someone who has also struggled w/ addictions, for me it’s not about suppressing the urge (anymore) trying to suppress a beach ball under water, it’s about finding something different to slake those urges..and not to get all preachy and spiritual on you, but has been to watch God himself, slake those urges…I could write you a long ,long extended letter on this one Vanessa…just wanted to say “hi”, and totally get it when you described your urge to park yourself @ a bar stool after the news. DM

    1. Hey DM: Yes, my connection to my Higher Power these days, the awesomeness of that love, helps me more than ever before. I am finding great joy in walking my spiritual path, and truly BELIEVING. Thanks for the love, and the visit! Vanessa xo

  2. Vanessa, I love your honestly. And I wanted to say hi, I have woken every morning since hearing of the shooting having to pray just to get out of bed. I’ve had to attend my own kind of meetings, so I get your acknowledgement of support needed. So glad you have it.

    1. Hello my friend: Thanks for stopping by. It has been a difficult few days, considering the tragedy in my beloved New England. Babies gone way before their time. I am using the supports I have, and taken things even less for granted than ever before. Sending you some warm energies throughout the holiday season. Vanessa xo

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