Me and my weight. Myself and my distorted body image. We go WAY back. As I have talked about many times on my blog here, I have a love/hate relationship with my body, my weight, and how I feel about losing or gaining.
It has been a daily part of my thinking, living and breathing since I was a child.
Now, since I have fallen in love, and spent my time really taking a bite out of my life, I have gained some weight. Add to that the six week stretch of holiday foods since mid November, and the tally is probably around ten to fifteen pounds. I don’t have an exact count, because I have avoided getting on the scale, with which I also have a love/hate relationship for most of my life.
Three weeks ago, I felt tired of my work pants fitting me a bit too snugly. I was sick of wearing the same one pair of jeans and one pair of nylon wind pants every weekend for my leisure wear. So, I went to the consignment store, and I bought myself four new pairs of pants.
In a bigger size.
This was me saying “F YOU!” to my cardinal rule, to NEVER buy clothes in a bigger size. To me, that was always the kiss of death. When you buy bigger clothes, you are giving yourself permission to break your rules about food and your weight and let yourself keep gaining.
What a bunch of crap that is. I am so tired of feeding myself this line and believing it.
The real story is, that I can choose to embrace who I am at any given moment. I am perfect, JUST THE WAY I AM. Why go through even ONE DAY in pants that don’t fit me? When I give myself comfort, I give myself love, respect, consideration and honor. Isn’t that what I really want for myself?
When I wore a pair of those new pants for the first time, I felt like a new person. I felt light, and free, and comfortable and confident. I didn’t see a fat person in the mirror, staring back at me. I saw a woman who is confident and caring for herself.
I want to be healthy. I want to be fit and comfortable in my own skin. I am finally learning the lesson that to be comfortable in my own skin isn’t about the size of my pants, or my belly, or a number on a scale. Being comfortable in my own skin is about loving myself fully for who I am right now, and always striving to be my healthiest, most balanced self.
And, life is way too short to wear tight pants. PHEW.