I have always been a seeker of sorts. Seeking answers in books, workshops and new ways to conduct my life. In other people. What I have been seeking has been a variety of things, such as recognition, peace, love, connection, spiritual presence, prayerfulness.
All that I sought, I sought to happen outside of myself.
The goal of my search, was to find a way, a theory, a belief that would help me to be more loving, more attentive, more in tune with my life and all that was in it, or all that I wished to bring into it. What I always thought was that if I just added a new way to call it up, I would feel a sense of profound peace, spirituality, and connection to something bigger and deeper than myself.
However, what I have been pondering on more lately, and putting into practice more consistently, is not what I can seek to bring into my world from the outside. But rather, what can I do within myself, to see where I block love? Block peace? Block gratitude and compassion?
Now, in the past, I would be hard pressed to acknowledge that I had any blocks anywhere in myself. I liked presenting myself, and truly believing at times, that I was evolved, and spiritually sound, and that other people would be fortunate to benefit from what I had to offer. That sounds icky to me now to think about, yet it is the truth. I have been pretty arrogant in the past, about how evolved I am as compared to other people. I still have moments that smack of that in my life, but I have gotten a lot more humble about it all.
A lot more smart about it, realizing how much smarter I have to get in terms of evolving!
I am constantly realizing that there is no there, there. Even though at times I want to go THERE. What the business of my life needs to be, and that I want it to be, is to be in this moment, right here and now. I want to always be discovering what it is within me, that keeps me separated from people in my life. I want to always be seeking to find, and excited to find, the blocks that I have to Love.
I know that I have them. The ones that come up the most often, are arrogance, entitlement, control. All of these are really fear, disguised in other forms. When I am afraid, in whatever form it takes, I am not loving. When I am not loving, I am not connecting, and actually, I am actively DISconnecting from those around me.
As with any other journey, it is not a straight line for me. I will falter, and mess up, and be afraid and controlling and arrogant at times. The beauty is, I get to keep catching myself, bringing it out into the light, and letting it go.
Any blocks to Love that I discover, bring me closer to all. And, that sounds like moments that I want to keep creating.