Okay, so I woke up this morning hungry. We had tried to maintain a seven day fast, of just juicing, with one raw veggie meal also a day, and after two days, we felt hungry, dissatisfied and foggy. Last night, after ignoring the hunger for hours, we had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to fill the void. This morning, we decided to give up the juicing, and eat a beautiful breakfast of eggs, potatoes and salad. It was delicious. And nourishing. And self loving.
All is well, until I go to my closet to put on a pair of pants that I haven’t worn in awhile, a pair that are a size bigger than what I used to wear six months ago, and they fit more closely than I remembered the last time that I wore them. I begin to panic, to talk negatively to myself about eating a sandwich late at night; about having a big breakfast; about what ways I am fooling myself that I am not really trying to lose weight as I have been trying to lately. That I need to exercise more and eat less.
My head, frankly, was a fucking mess.
I stayed in that, for just a few minutes, rather than days. I didn’t panic, as I have done so many times before. I decided, after a few tears and realizations, that I am ready to let it all go. I am ready to just get down to loving my body, by taking loving care of it.
I am cutting the cord.
What I am cutting the cord on is many things. I am cutting the cord on the fantasy of what I think my body should look like. Now, I know that I have had these thoughts many times in my life, and I have even gone through the motions of working toward that. This is one more definitive step in going in that direction, toward self love and self acceptance. The fantasy is ten pounds less than I weigh right now, a weight that although felt powerful to maintain, didn’t feel peaceful, EVER. Although it at times felt self loving, it only did when I liked what I saw in the mirror, not what I felt within.
I am also cutting the cord on being fierce. I realized that although I have been fierce, compelled and obsessed about how I view my body, and try to maintain my weight in the past, I have never felt peaceful about it, a deep, lasting, penetrating peace.
I am craving and desiring that peace now. I know deeply that I DESERVE that peace.
Instead of judging myself, for everything that has to do with food, weight, body image and the mirror and scale, I am embracing loving myself, eating what feels good, healthy and whole, and seeing myself as I really am, not what the mirror tells me. Or, what my head looking in the mirror tells me.
What I am looking to see in the mirror is not this skin, not this vessel that I reside in. It is what is deeply on the inside.
When I really think about it, my thinking about my body, my weight and by default, my self, has been limiting, with boundaries and expectations around it that aren’t loving, but rather a reflection of what I think I should look like and be. When I expand beyond those limitations, and remove those limits, the feelings of freedom, release and peace are there waiting for me.
With a vision of health, self love, and balance and peace, I will feel at ease in this beautiful body that I am living in, and finally understand what it is like to truly love who I am and what I have to offer.