In days of old, the morning after would refer to my head space, literally and figuratively, after a late night/early morning party time. I would be nursing a hangover; feeling upset or disrupted about an argument with a partner; or feeling foolish or embarrassed. It was often a negative feeling that I found myself with, based on what I had done the night before.
This week, I got to put a whole new meaning on what a morning after can really look like for me. On Monday, I had a mini mental and emotional breakdown, about my body and how I view it. I felt like I was back to age nine, or sixteen or twenty five or thirty five, or any other age you could pick, any one of the 12,000 or more days that I have lived since I first started to describe myself as a fat person.
That day, that deep, significant Monday, was the last day that I decided to bombard myself with all of those negative images, messages and emotions. The thing is, I didn’t know it was the last day at the time. Although it felt less intense, and much more short lived as I have gotten about it in the past, it still felt strong and embedded in me.
Funny thing? I woke up on Tuesday, and I still felt clear. I felt strong. I felt resolved.
I felt PEACEFUL. ABOUT MY BODY.
It truly felt like a miracle of sorts. I didn’t feel compelled to obsess about every bite of food that I would put into my mouth. I didn’t feel deep guilt and anxiety about not exercising, or exercising too much. I cooked and prepared and consumed food with love and gratitude. I didn’t focus on what my daughter was eating, or not.
I just felt open, loving and free. SO new to me!
And, since Tuesday, I have had four more Morning Afters, when I woke up and felt free of the chains that I have had on myself about food and eating. About exercise and weight and mirrors and scales. Even though Monday was THE last day that I gave myself permission to deprecate myself in that way, I didn’t know it was the last day.
And, I didn’t know how many beautiful days of self love were waiting for me on the other side.