Monthly Archives: June 2013

Moving day.

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Two weeks ago was moving day.  It was the official day that my love and I moved in together, along with my teenaged daughter.  Although we had spoken about doing it for quite some time, we decided to make the move a year earlier than planned.

 

It is interesting to me all of the details related to moving from one home to another, even when they are anticipated.  I felt sadness, at leaving my previous home, as did my daughter and my partner.  For the last two years, my daughter and I had done many things to make our apartment our home.  We had filled it with our favorite belongings, laughed and cried there, and had adventures and mishaps.  I had become my own person there, fell in love, and grieved the ending of my life as I knew it.  My daughter had grown from an early adolescent to a confident young woman.

 

Then there were the subtleties of moving into what I perceived as another person’s space.  Even though we discussed how we wanted our home to be a complete blend of the three of us, I still had my thoughts trying to convince me that it was my partner’s home, and my daughter and I were moving into it.  Even though I have spent almost a year, feeling completely at home in it, it didn’t feel like mine.  Until, I made it mine, and my daughter made it hers.  Not just by bringing our things into it physically, but also, by having a vision of how we wanted it to be.  BEING in it as our true selves.

 

So much about any life transition, even if it is a new and exciting one, is about open and loving communication.  Although our home is a space for all of us to feel connected to and comfortable in, we have created space that is individualized to each of us.  We have talked about where to hang things on the wall and which coffee mugs to use.  I have cleared some items away that no longer speak to me, and have special items that have to be in a certain place.  Through all of that, the three of us are communicating, and learning, about one another and what being in the same home really means.

 

One of the greatest areas that I am gaining understanding throughout this journey, is that the more often that I make up stories in my head, of what is going on in a situation, instead of asking and communicating, the more that I create misery for myself, and for others around me.  In this love, and in this home, I get to keep learning about others, about me, and how unique we all get to be in this life.  And, that the love that we bring to here will be what sustains and nurtures us.  

 

 

 

 

Just let go.

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I am learning little by little how to build my faith. It has been a long road for me, going from not believing that I am watched over, to knowing that I am cared for by a source, a power greater than I can begin to fully understand. One of the biggest steps for me in building that faith has been to let go of control.

I have been a very controlling person in my life. What I mean by that is two things: first, I have wanted to be in charge of, and the expert of, every area of my life. I have wanted to control others as well, seeing myself as having the best answers, for them and myself. Secondly, I have always wanted to believe that I control every single outcome, and that life is always in my hands.

I am learning that the Universe has its own flow; that I am part of the Universe, and I am part of all of the other beings in the Universe as well. By flowing along with the Universe, I am strengthening my understanding, and my belief that all will be well. The grand plan is made, and I need only trust, and have FAITH that all will be well.

By history, I like to do what the medicine cards call “push the river”; try to influence and control that which is following its own path. What I continue to gain insight into, is that I don’t need to push anything in my life; even though I can make choices and do what feels right for me, the Universe has a flow all of its own, and that which is to be will unfold beautifully and magically, without me having to do a thing.

My tendencies to control are definitely about my ego; what does it mean about me if I am not the one in charge? My ego tells me that I need to bring my level of expertise to the world, or all is lost. However, when I listen to my ego, I am actually less open to the world, and less willing to have faith in powers bigger than myself.

My other discovery is that although I have been building and deepening trust, in myself and others, my faith did not follow suit automatically. I realize that trust, in myself and in others around me, gets built based on evidence that I gather. FAITH, on the other hand, is believing and trusting even without evidence, just a deep sense of knowing that all will be well, and that I am cared for lovingly and deeply.

Today, I am strengthening my faith, letting go of control as I once held it, and remembering that it is good, and peaceful, to let my life unfold. And, to go with the Flow.

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Entering the Quiet.

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I have spent the last two weeks considering, and then, detaching myself, from social media. I deactivated my Facebook account last week, after tossing the idea around for a few days. Although I appreciated the easy access that I had to others in my life, and it was a great platform on which to feature my writing, I was trading away a lot: my time, my attention, my peace of mind.

This all came to its conclusion, after I found myself to be spending more and more time outside, in nature. I have always been a lover of nature. I love being outside, working in the earth, bare feet on the ground, and the sun shining strong on my skin. I love the sound of streams, and ocean waves breaking on the shore. I love hearing rain, and walking in it, snow storms and even sledding in the dead of winter.

Last summer, I was in transition, planning on moving into a new career that I thought that I wanted to be doing. Over the summer, I stopped working full time at my day job, and was job sharing the old career with the new one. The new one required a lot of time on the phone, and on the computer. I spent much of last summer, days and evenings, on the INSIDE looking OUT. Sitting at my kitchen table, for hours at a time, focusing on my tasks and not out in the world. I was taking in the outside world, and yet, not taking it IN TO myself. That is essential for me.

I have since chosen to stay in the career that I am in, and absolutely loving that choice. And, I am recollecting a time over twenty years ago, when I was deeply connected to the world, in nature, and felt at ease, deeply spiritual and one with the earth. It was an amazing time of transition for me, and my nature time was key.

So, for the last few weeks, I have been walking as much as possible outside, at parks and the local lake; hiking; picnicking in the grass; and gardening. I have been in touch with all of my senses, and how they come alive in all ways when I am outdoors.

I have been tuning OUT, to better tune IN. The result, has been that my mind is quieter, because I am turning down the volume in my head. And, my soul feels more peaceful. I also feel connected with all that is around me more often than usual.

So, disconnecting from technology has been easier for me than I imagined. I am enjoying the quiet, and it is no great surprise that it is available to me.

The outside world is always there, waiting for me. I only need to heed the call.

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So, as I started to give that to myself more

Pretending I am not Powerful.

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Today, as I was going through my day, I started to think about many things in my life. I was thinking about the transformation, that is my life in every single moment. I thought about how I have been using my magic more fully than ever before in my life, and having some amazing results. I thought about letting go, moving on, and choosing something different.

I thought about many different versions of how I am powerful in my life.

When I came home tonight, I read the medicine card for Hawk. Hawk, as the messenger card, reminds me to pay attention to my life, and to the details of it. Also, to remember that as long as I am paying attention, I will always see the signs and sounds of what Great Spirit has in store for me. It also reminded me to be present to my potential, and that the power that we have is directly related to how tuned in we are to our abilities and strengths.

So, then I thought about my own power, and owning that in my life. Today, I feel and see my power, when I am in conversation or looking at myself in the mirror. I not only trust in being able to have any dream that I set my sights on, but I also see myself as the force behind having it happen. I see my powerful self.

Years ago, long before I felt as opened up spiritually as I do these days, it wasn’t that I didn’t see the actual power that I possessed. I guess that might be true, but just a bit. The bigger truth, is that I spent my time pretending that I wasn’t powerful. I saw glimpses of the power that I could bring to the world, and I even believed in that power much of the time. What served me better, or so I thought, was to play small, and pretend that I didn’t think that I was powerful at all.

That served me in a couple of major ways. First, if I acted like I didn’t believe in my own power, it allowed me to blame my partner, or family, for overpowering me, hurting my feelings, or controlling everything because I wasn’t speaking up, and then could play victim, or baby much of the time.

It also served me in that I believed that it made me look humble and polite to those around me. Sure, there were quite a few times when I easily saw my power potential. However, I wanted to look good to others, so to me, pretending I was powerless allowed me to look humble, and therefore liked more by others.

So, today I get to tell myself the truth about my power. I have opportunities, dozens of them, every day to show my power, in a proud but humble way; in a shining beam rather than under a bushel. I don’t have to pretend anymore. Actually, I never had to in the first place. Now, I see a different choice that fits me just perfectly.

I AM POWERFUL.

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