Monthly Archives: July 2013

There is no Lack.

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I am a person that definitely believes that the world that we create for ourselves is almost solely created by our perception. There are times that I believe it is all due to our perception also, but I still keep a little room for the stuff that is out of my control, just in case. 🙂

However, most of the time, I am a firm believer that I the world that I see, is the one that I create. I create this world by my perception, by the way in which I decide I want to see the world around me. So, for example, if I perceive the world as a loving place, I will more likely see kindness and compassion in the actions of others, and I will be less likely to judge others as potentially harmful to me. If I view the world as a cold, mean place, then I will more likely be suspect of those around me.

So I started thinking about one of the lessons that is found in A Course in Miracles. This particular lesson states that there is no gap between God and his Son, and since we are all of God, then there is no gap between God and each of us, and therefore, no gap between me and anyone. There is no gap, there is no lack.

There is no Lack.

So, if that were my perception, that there is no Lack, that would mean that I always have everything that I need, in this moment.

Everything.

That would mean I don’t have to buy anything, acquire anything, get anything else, that all is well and I am cared for. That is a big concept for me to get my mind around, in a world where most of my interactions, most of my daily living, if not all, is focused around getting what I don’t have. Whether that is attention, belongings, jobs, or money that I am trying to get. If I think of the world as not having any gap or lack between what I have and what I think that I need, what peace there would be in that. And, such simplicity as well.

So, today, as I go through my day, I will focus on that idea, that there is no Lack. And, if there is no Lack, there is only Abundance.

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The Breakthrough.

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In living together as a couple, and also with my daughter, the three of us are learning to live with and cooperate with one another. It is an interesting experience. We are discovering how we each have a way of doing things, and how in living together we get to see how that all blends.

One of the biggest lessons for me that I learned this week, is how much I have held myself in esteem of what a terrific parent I am. Don’t misunderstand me: I believe myself to be a really good mom to my daughter. I have always been, and gotten better over time. But, the last three years have been a real testing ground of how to build a stronger, more honest relationship with her. And it has paid off.

When I met my fiancee, and we started dating and spending a lot of time together, she and my daughter started to develop their own relationship with one another. It has been light, fun and easy. I have even managed to keep my hands out of it, and let them develop it on their own. Then this week, there came a situation where they both wanted different things. And, it was, and is, an introduction to how the two of them can start to build a relationship with one another, that is honest and in more depth than it has been.

However, I took it personally. Meaning, I put myself in a position of comparison, thinking that NO ONE could build a relationship with my daughter like mine is. Like I had something that I had to protect or keep from anyone else. Like I am the best parent on earth and no one should dare try to develop something with her. It is an old tune with me; I would often tell myself what a better mother I was to my daughter than my former partner, her other mom. Icky, but true.

What makes it icky for me to think about is that it isn’t true, any of it. Each one of us has brought our own set of gifts and magic into my daughter’s world. And, the way that I parent her is not meant to be the template from which every other person takes on that role. Part of the beauty of the life that I am creating, for myself and my family, is that we each are unique in how what we bring to our interactions, and that we ALL get to learn from one another.

So for me, the breakthrough is that I don’t have to believe what my head tells me about parenting, and it opens up so much more in my world. And, it is yet another way in which my partner and I can be brought closer together, because I am getting my thoughts out of my head and talking about it.

That is pure magic.

A Declaration of Love.

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Last month, my partner asked me to marry her. We have been talking about the desire to get married for some time, and on June 22, she presented me with a beautiful ring and proposed.

I immediately said yes.

That moment will be forever branded upon my mind and heart. The moment was perfect; the setting was breathtaking; and my heart was full of more love for her than ever. It was magical.

Two weeks ago, I decided it was time to ask her right back. After all, when you have two women that want to marry each other, it can seem complicated about who asks whom. So, we solved that by each of us asking.

She said yes.

We don’t have a marriage date in mind, although it will most likely be centered around a Blue Moon, which has special meaning for us, and the last Blue Moon was on my birthday last year, just 12 days after our first date. That happens next, the “official” next Blue Moon, in 2015.

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We started talking last week about our engagement announcement, and whether or not we wanted to have one put into our local newspaper. To be honest, I had not really thought about it at first. Not for the reasons you might think, mind you. I don’t have any fears anymore about being out as a lesbian. Sure, there are moments when we are out together, and we are holding hands and I feel a bit self conscious. However, those moments are few and far between now, and everyone in my life that matters knows that I am gay, and knows how happy I am with my fiancee.

I hadn’t really thought about it, because I wasn’t quite sure why I would want to do it. I feel pretty clear that a lot of people have a pretty traditional view of what love, marriage and weddings look like, and I am not just talking, people that think it is strictly a heterosexual practice. When I told some people that I got engaged, they asked for an invitation to the wedding, assuming we were having a big one; asked why I am wearing the ring on my right hand (that is the hand it actually fits well on, and, well, it’s different, that’s why); whether or not we will both be wearing wedding dresses; asking how we are going to manage it here in PA, where it isn’t even legal.

So, why an engagement announcement? We thought about the reasons for doing it. For me, it seems like a big “why not?”. We love one another, and why shouldn’t that be something that we announce? The other part for me, is that it seems like a great way to be visible for other couples, or young people, or anyone, that wants or needs to feel inspired, courageous or affirmed for who they are. I mean, I have often thought that if I have the ability to do something, for the possible benefit of others, why shouldn’t I do so?

So in a few short weeks, our declaration of love will be in the local paper for all to see. So, we can show the world who we are, and what we have together.

Love is a beautiful thing.

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Letting go of judgment.

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I spent the entire day and night on Saturday with my daughter. We spent our time traveling to, and then seeing, Taylor Swift and friends in concert. Although we expected it to be fun and an adventure, it ended up being so much better than I would have ever imagined.

We had great food, heard excellent music, and had a view that was like a dream come true. Yet, throughout the whole time, I kept finding ways in which to judge myself, and others, and it was really distracting. Although my awareness of it helped me to turn it around quickly, it was really annoying.

I judged myself about the food I chose at dinner; for buying concert merchandise; for screaming like an adolescent girl when we won pit tickets; for staying out in the rain to not lose our good view; for spending four dollars on a bottle of water. You name it, I found reasons to judge myself. And, as an added bonus, I felt compelled to then judge all of those around me. Whether it was for them standing too close to me, pushing at my daughter, being drunk, or not being a courteous driver. Judging myself harshly gave me carte blanche to judge others where I saw fit.

Letting go of judgment for me is like letting go of a favorite tee shirt or sweater. Even though I may not have worn it very often through the last couple of seasons, it is like I keep it around for sentimental reasons. It might not fit anymore, or even look good on me, yet it feels like letting go of it would leave me lacking something.

SO, if I stop judging myself, or at least do it less frequently, I often wonder if that makes me a person who is more self consumed, that anything goes? I doubt it. All judgment really does is view myself harshly, and not in a way that is useful for me to assess my actions. I know immediately when I have made a decision that doesn’t sit well with the way that I want to live my life. However, holding myself in judgment for it doesn’t solve anything. And, when I decide to do something, it is also based on the way that I want to live my life, at least much of the time. What could be open for judgment in that?

When I live my life judgment free, I can be in the moments of it, thoroughly enjoying and relishing it. I can actually be close enough to Taylor Swift to touch her, and be in that fully. I can love myself, be kind to others, and really be IN my life.

Yeah, that feels like the right place to be.

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Chasing the pink.

Sunset

Last evening, I sat by the window in my hotel room and watched the lightning flash and the rain come. It lasted for a long time. When the storm passed, I saw beautiful colors reflected in a window across the courtyard. It was some of the most beautiful pinks and purples in a sunset that I had ever seen.

So, I ran down five flights of stairs, ran outside, and walked quickly around the side of the building, trying to get a glimpse of the pink up close. I found some remnants of it, that were bright and beautiful, but what I had seen earlier had passed.

As I walked slowly back to my room, it got me thinking. Thinking about what it is as humans that we seek outside of ourselves. What we go chasing because we don’t believe that we possess it within.

The example of the sunset is real, and the message of it is deeply symbolic for me. As I have been away this week for work, I have spent a great deal of time going deep, reflecting, and pondering what is really important to me. What I really want to bring to the world. It is no accident that I wrote on my blog, in my journal, and read, more than I have in a long time.

The lesson that the beautiful sunset brought me last night is that I don’t ever have to chase down anything. I can go looking if I so choose, but I never have to look outside of myself because I think that the beauty lies somewhere outside of me.

I have spent much of my life looking for validation, connection, and beauty outside of my own soul. I have pursued relationships that would fill me, because I thought I didn’t know how to fill myself. I have neglected to see, as the swan, that it wasn’t that I became beautiful; I just had to see the beauty that always was waiting there.

And, even if we think seeking beauty outside of ourselves is what we need to do, or validation or success, it is never quite as pink as we imagine it will be. Not really.

So, the lesson for me is that I don’t have to chase anything at all; I can seek, I can ask, I can learn and grow, but I also will always find the purest beauty and light within. And, the answers for anything I query will always be waiting there.

Inside of me.

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