Learning to Surrender.

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I have always had an intense need to control people and things around me. As a matter of fact, when I was studying to become a life coach, one of the biggest character traits that I uncovered was my Control Freak. When that is in action, I want to have my hand in everything. I want to control what others do, what traffic does, and when the world doesn’t go along with what I think is best, I can get pretty arrogant about it.

This trait has shown itself in every relationship that I am part of. From my intimate relationships, to my relationship with my daughter, and also with all of my siblings and parents. In those moments, I am pretty certain that what I think and want is the best possible option, and I will do many different things to get things to go my way. Although I often would say to myself, that I was only being controlling because I had the other person’s interest in mind, it was always a very sneaky way to act like an expert, and be pretty self absorbed about my own greatness in the process.

My control freak has gotten pretty tamed over the last few years, through a lot of diligence and also through being more present as to the impact it has had on others. When I let go of control of others, I get so many benefits, for others and for our relationship. I get to see others in my life make choices and take steps that are right for them, and feel good, or not good about it, but taking ownership of whatever the outcome may be.

I get to stop thinking in my mind that I am the expert, who knows what is best for everyone else. That has been a level of arrogance that has also been hovering around most of my life, and when I remember that I only know what is best for me, not for others, it brings me satisfaction for them. When I stop controlling and believing that I need to be in charge, I get to just enjoy the ride of life, to be one with the moment and not trying to predict what will happen next through my own influence. I get to be a participant rather than a leader all the time. I get to sit back and watch the show rather than directing it.

There is so much to be said for seeing the successes of others, and honoring that, without feeling like I had a hand in it. In the past, part of the high of control would be that MY efforts would come to a good outcome, and then I could feel like a hero for bringing that person to where they needed to be. Now, I get to strengthen myself in knowing that others have the self will, determination and ability to create brilliant lives for themselves, and I get to see the beautiful results.

When I am in my controlling mind, I judge others more harshly, and feel justified in my judgments. When I surrender, I judge less, love more, and am able to truly be with who I am in this moment. When I remember that in reality, all I have is this moment, right now, it simplifies so much in my life, and reminds me that simplicity is often the path that has the most peace.

Surrender.

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2 thoughts on “Learning to Surrender.

  1. I used to think I needed to save people, which I’m sure is a kind of control freak thing. I realized some years ago that in order to save a person, they had to be not ok. Not the kind of thing I wanted to create in my relationships. And I have really backed down. But recently one of my closest friends has been trying to save me and it is seriously irritating. It causes such a gap in my honesty with her. It’s hard to talk with my friend about my problems because her trying to fix me makes me feel like a loser and not an equal. This experience reminds me, as your wonderful post did, that the best thing we can do for the people we love is to let them save or fix themselves.

  2. Tiny: YES, that was my deal too. Saving people for their own good, is how I would present it. It really was my sneaky way to control others into being who I wanted them to be. I don’t doubt I really wanted their happiness, but the kicker is, to think I am the expert in their lives is pretty silly and self centered. Yes, the best we can always do is to let those in our lives make their own choices, mistakes, and successes. You got this! 🙂

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