I have spent the majority of my life trying to change, reform, or get rid of the body that I currently live in. To a certain extent, it is the body that I was born into, exactly the same as when I left my momma’s womb. Long in some parts, shorter in others, fat deposits in some areas more than others. Within this body that is mine, are my genes, and the lineage of two very strong and fierce family lines.
I am sick of not loving this vessel, this body that I am inhabiting for the short stay of this life. I had such an amazing time this weekend, at a party that was warm, welcoming, loving and fun. Today, as I reflected on all of the parts of that day, I found myself dwelling at times on the foods that I ate, in excess, that I don’t normally eat. What came right behind that was guilt, shame, and complete obsession about how well or not, it seemed my clothes fit me today.
When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person much of the time. And, I don’t mean that I see an extra one hundred pounds on me. There is no doubt that what I see in the mirror is often not accurate to what I am holding in the real world. However, when I see myself in the mirror, when I am ready to feel guilt for too much of this, or not enough of that, I see a person that I loathe, am embarrassed by, a person that looks like a loser because they eat sausage dip like they never had meat before.
It is ugly, and intense, and it always leaves me reeling for a bit.
I was there today, and let myself linger in it a lot, wallow in it even. I mean, I get to choose, right? I get to choose what I think, and what I do, so that I can shift my whole behavior. So, I went out for a hot, long, fast walk over my lunch today, which not only helped to relieve some of that self imposed guilt about food, but it also got me out of head, into nature, and thinking about myself from a more expansive view.
I believe that THIS body, of which my soul is only inhabiting for a brief time relatively speaking, is more that I give it credit for. It is strong enough to have given birth to a healthy daughter; to run over six miles without stopping; to carry and build things and lift up people. It is amazing, and I inhabit it so beautifully. And, I know that there will always be ghosts that I hang onto, whether for comfort, or to keep myself in line in some sick way, about what I think I see when I look in the mirror.
But, for today, I am also willing to feel a heart full of love for it, even when my first inclination is to not love it. Because, when I don’t love this body, it means, I am not loving me.
And, that just won’t do.