The darkest part of the cave.

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Over the last few years, I have done a lot of work on me. On figuring out, and then going toward, that which makes me the most happy. Over time, it seems to get easier to speak up and say what I really want, make plans to get it, and then, actually achieve that goal. My confidence in knowing myself and what I want continues to build. It feels in a way, like coming to the end of a long journey, yet I know that I still have many adventures ahead of me.

One of the biggest areas, if not the biggest area that I continue to address, is my relationship with my body. My feelings about my body over my lifetime have gone from disgust, to pride, to shame and embarrassment. I have never felt in good balance about being healthy, and being happy, all while being at peace about what I see in the mirror.

This week, I had another moment with myself about my body, when I felt vulnerable, emotional, and like I have had enough of this nonsense already. I went to the doctor one week ago, and got on the scale for the first time in several months. I weighed about what I thought I might, maybe a couple of pounds heavier. And, even though I am overall happy with where I am at right now in terms of my size, and shape, that threw me for a loop. In that moment, I became the number on the scale.

So, I began obsessing immediately about what I could do. I could do yoga more often again, and stop missing days of walking. I could eat a lot less, and do a lot more. I had many options available to me, if the goal was really for me to get healthy and in better shape.

The thing is, I knew in my crazy mind that wasn’t the goal. When I entered that darkest part of the cave, the part that really loathes myself, I admitted that it doesn’t have to do with health at all, in my mind. The reason I would want to go on a strict regimen is to live up to this version of me that I want to see in the mirror. That I am not good or lovable enough unless I am looking at 120 pounds.

I was 120 pounds a year ago, and although I felt happy at the time, the happiness around my body was totally wrapped up in the visual; the fact that I could see the bones in my chest and my legs looked slim. When I started gaining weight, I lost that happiness just like that.

I want something deeper with myself than that now, a relationship that is not around the scale. I want to be able to feel and express true love for myself, no matter what I see. I want to love and care for myself in the most joyous of ways, without beating myself up when I feel like I fall short.

I am ready to be in the darkest part of the cave of my life and its shit, and then emerge on the other side. Although my issues around my body may always be with me a bit, I am ready to open up to myself in the biggest way that I can.

I am ready.

sunny cloud sky

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