Fear. Fear is at the root of all of my woes, my uncertainties and my judgments. Fear is the base problem that is at the root of the tree, and from that grows branches that are diseased or die easily. Fear is the base of all that haunts me and leads me to ineffective action, or inaction.
This came to me a powerful way today. I realized yet again how afraid I am in this life. I am so much less afraid than before, facing myself in the mirror and going forward with intention and desire in my life. However, where I falter and hesitate always comes from a place of fear.
Fear shows itself in different, and some of the same, ways in each one of us. What does fear most often look like for me?
When my first inclination is to judge someone else, that is about fear. I am passing judgment on them, in a way to deflect how afraid I am to look at the same issue in myself. I am scared to face myself and my problems, so I make it about the other person.
When I make myself loud, big and extra funny, it is my fear. I am so afraid to not be noticed, to not be accepted or welcomed into a group, that I force it through fear and pretend that I am confident and together. What it feels like after the fact, and sometimes when I am in it, as inauthentic and over the top.
When my voice goes up an octave or two, and I feel the immediate need to become defensive, that is fear. There are many times that someone says something that I know within really rings true for me, yet, to admit it, I might look bad. My fear is to lose my good appearances so I defend.
One of the biggest ways that fear shows itself in my life is when I am driving, and I get angry and frustrated at other drivers. It really makes no difference to me or has an impact on my life if another person goes above the speed limit, or doesn’t use a turn signal. Except, when it is in my driving area, I become afraid. Afraid to get hurt, or have an accident.
The biggest fear that I have is of death. Even though I feel well aware that this life is temporary, and even an illusion possibly, I love this life. I am in it, and enjoy it, and love the people that are in it with me. Even though I know it will end one day, I don’t want that to be for a very long time.
I firmly believe that if we as humans can be more deeply in touch with that which we fear, that which scares us the most, then we can begin to empower ourselves in our lives by seeing where we can shift our thinking to catch the fear. The goal doesn’t have to be not to feel fear at all, but to manage it rather than it managing us.