This morning, I awoke with a massive headache. Like, the kind of headache that makes you want to throw up. The kind that means you can barely lift your head off the table in the kitchen. The kind that makes you want to cry. It was rough, and I hardly ever get sick at all, let alone headaches like that.
I decided to initially rest for awhile, to decide whether to take the morning off from work, or to take the entire day off. Taking time off from work, especially when I am sick, is always a guilt ridden experience. Completely self induced guilt, mind you, but guilt nonetheless.
Guilt, because I don’t want anyone to think that I am faking, or being overdramatic, which I usually think I am. Guilt, because no one can possibly do my job the way that I can. Guilt, because work is supposed to be required, five days per week, and if I don’t show up, it makes me a slacker.
The additional interesting thing that I tend to do as a sick person, on the rare occasions when I am sick, is that I then lose any motivation to want to do anything, and, I wallow in some other garden varieties of shortcomings. I spent my day resting, lying on my couch watching episodes of Grey’s Anatomy (how fitting), and crying on and off. I made my list of shortcomings in my head, or things to be upset about.
I didn’t get my partner a card for our anniversary.
My uncle, my mother’s only sibling and last living family relation, is dying.
I feel like a loser when I don’t go to work, even when it is because I am sick.
I am not sure I want to do my work anymore.
Of course, all seems more intense and dramatic when I am wrapped up in a blankie and my tummy feels upset. And, I feel so much NOT myself, that it is strange. Strange that almost every other day of my life, I feel happy, hopeful, open and real. When I am sick, I feel isolated, alone, freakish, and like I don’t really fit in or belong anywhere. That I don’t measure up or I can not be enough for the people that are around me.
Tonight, the sickness is passing. I still feel a bit ill, but much better. I went out this evening with my daughter and her friend, and had a great time. I felt more like the me that I recognize again. Of course, I am still who I was this morning, yet my perspective has changed, ever so slightly, so my life feels like mine again.
The biggest part of today that I want to remember, for all days and in all ways, is that when I decide to do something, no matter what it is, that I can make that decision and stay with it. Take action, or, in some cases, inaction. Even inaction is a decision to do something. I don’t need to carry guilt or believe about myself that I don’t measure up. At any given moment, I am only ever doing the best that I can at the time. And, even when I know that I can do better, I know that the time will come for me to do better. That I won’t be sick on the couch forever.
Today, I want to remember, that it is ALWAYS okay to be me, and to remember that with love.