I believe as human beings, we learn something every day. We change, our lives and ourselves, every single day. Even when we feel like we are doing nothing, we are doing something. Even when we take steps that we consider to be backwards from where we were, we are doing SOMETHING.
So, this week, I have been doing a lot of things. What I notice the most about the work that I have been doing, is that my intrusive, negative, EGO filled thoughts are much easier for me to catch than ever before.
I have gotten quite savvy at finding, and stopping, my character traits and how they, when I allow them to, have the power to undermine the beautiful life that I keep creating.
One of my fiercest character traits is that of the Silent Judger. What this looks like, is me judging myself, and other people, and pretending like I am not, or smiling my way through it like I am good with it all. The aftermath is often a disaster, in that I feel enormous guilt about lying to myself, or I treat others in a less than loving way because of my judgments.
So, this week, I was really in tune with the actual hit list that I created in my mind about the people around me, and found things to judge them for. With some of the judgments, it might not have necessarily stopped the world as I knew it, but each time, I felt the impact, in my gut and in my soul.
Judging my partner for being too quiet and not telling me what was wrong.
Judging my daughter for eating too many tortilla chips.
Judging my supervisor for not taking care of an issue at work.
Judging a mother at the gym I was at for letting her baby cry hysterically without her.
Judging a woman at the grocery store who I thought was taking too long at the register with all of her coupons.
Judging my younger sister for not sending me a birthday card.
Judging myself for judging others; for calling off sick; for watching television all day; for being a baby; for not liking my job; for not wanting to get out and walk; for being on the internet; for spending a lot of money at the movies…….
It goes on and on.
Judgment is a double edged sword for me; if I begin by telling myself, “You’re Guilty!”, then I end up judging someone else to take part of the burden of the judgment. If I begin by telling myself about someone else, “You’re Guilty!”, then I end up judging myself for judging someone else.
There is no getting away from it. Unless, of course, I stop judging.
I have come to the conclusion that as a human being, a human that is an Ego first and foremost, I will always be a judge, toward myself and others. It is part of my humanity. However, the best and most loving response that I can continue to have, is to catch my judge, nip it in the bud, and replace it with love as often and as consistently as possible.
I want to love myself more. I want to love the world more.
I want to keep reminding myself, every single day, of how innocent we all really are.