I have this belief system about myself, that I have not been willing to let go of yet in this life. In reality, I have probably had this belief for about 35 years. The belief is, is that I am a loser because I am fat, or can’t lose weight, or because I have gained weight. It has been with me probably since my early teen years.
It is only yesterday that I had the true realization of what the thought actually is. For periods of time, it felt like insecurity about my weight. Fear about when I put on a piece of clothing that I haven’t worn in awhile, worried that it won’t fit anymore. Seeing myself as fat in certain clothes or in the mirror. But, the deep, dark truth of it all, is that I see myself as a loser, a loser who can’t take weight off and keep it off.
For a bit of time now, I have been holding myself under the illusion that I only partly believed that story of myself, that I was letting go of this belief. Then, with my beloved’s help yesterday, I understood that if I am believing this about myself at all, I am still believing it fully about me.
She also helped me to understand that believing myself to be a loser, and believing that my value is directly related to what I weigh, has been like an old friend to me. We called that friend, Wendy. Wendy has been around, with me and for me, for most of my life. When I would be made fun of, or felt particularly bad about myself, she was there with me. She kept me small, reminding me that she would always be there for me. Sometimes, I didn’t like hanging around with her, and she was stinky and not very nice at times. But, still, she was THERE. With me. Ready to confirm my story of myself.
Just like being a little bit pregnant, I can’t have Wendy in my life on a part time basis. I either have to accept that she is with me, or say goodbye to the relationship. I visualize it as jumping off a cliff; if I want to keep her around, I will use a bungee cord, bouncing right back up to the belief I have always had, where she is there waiting.
Although I still want her around, as annoying as she is, I am getting ready to let her go. And, rather than a bungee cord, I will be cliff diving, jumping into the refreshing, cool water, swimming into a new belief. Sure, I can climb back up on that cliff, to visit her again, but I don’t have to.
It may seem strange to want to keep such a nasty friend, such a negative belief around. Yet, there is a source of comfort in the familiar; even when the familiar is miserable. So, I can say that although I am keeping Wendy around, I am ready to let her go.
I am ready to be free.