So, last night we went out for a beautiful, delicious, romantic dinner. We went to a local restaurant that we had been to before, the atmosphere is amazing, and the food delicious. We both were looking forward to our evening all day, and we were not to be disappointed.
Our friend works there, and she was our server for the evening. She had been aware, since Brenda and I have been together, that I was sober, that I didn’t drink at all. So, last night, it was my next opportunity to tell the truth about making a different choice in my life. As Brenda told her that I would be ordering wine, I knew this was yet another opportunity to stand in the truth.
I was nervous. I felt self conscious about how I was changing my mind. How it would appear to others. Yet, I felt no guilt. I felt no shame. I just felt nervous.
And, I was telling the truth.
I drank a glass of wine, for the first time in more than three years. It wasn’t earth shaking; it felt normal, easy, and comfortable. It was a great moment to share with my love, and a moment for me to participate in. I paired the aroma with our food; I swirled it in the glass. I savored it.
This morning, I felt peaceful. I felt whole. I didn’t feel anything residual at all, like guilt, or remorse. I felt complete freedom. It felt like the only choice that I had made last evening was the equivalent of whether or not I wanted to order dessert. It was that simple.
I am finding out clearly that courage is not defined as fearlessness. I still have fear, Brenda has fear, others that I encounter may have fears about me living in truth. I can be afraid, and still be full of courage, and love, and peace about experiencing my life, and doing so in balance.
I have lived my life in the extremes for much of it, being either dramatically overwhelmed or ecstatically happy. It feels like contentment now, being in my life from moment to moment, and yet detached at the same time. Detached from the judgments and head trips that I have wanted to do about it in the past. Just being in it, and loving myself throughout it.
Whatever you Do, Tell the Truth about It. That is what sets us free.