I have an ongoing relationship with my body, that can vary anywhere from love to self loathing. I have been that way with myself for most of my life, as I have written about here before. I go from losing weight, and loving myself, to gaining weight and despising myself, and then, get peaceful just as I am for awhile.
Over the last year, I have been in what feels like the final battle with myself over my body. I am tired of valuing myself by what I see in the mirror, or don’t. I am tired of judging myself as a good person or bad person by what number I see on the scale. I am tired of being afraid of scales or going to the doctor to get weighed, or anything that means I have to see myself as I really am.
From an objective point of view, I know that I am not what is considered, overweight. I feel healthy, strong and whole. I like what I see in the mirror, most days. Yet, I still loop back at times to what I think the right number is, based on symbols of what attractiveness is around me, and not what the true story is.
However, about a month ago, I woke up, and realized that I felt good about where I was at. I had gotten rid of some clothes that no longer fit me, that were too small, without being dramatic about it. I got myself some new clothes that are comfortable and attractive. And, I was feeling good about the strength and health, AND appearance of my body, naked and clothed.
Then, the next day, the same thing happened. This lasted for at least three weeks, that when I would wake up in the morning, I would feel good, and AT PEACE, with my self and this beautiful body that I have. That sustains me so well. That carries me and keeps me here on this earth for another day.
This week, I hit a speed bump. Old messages came flooding back, simply because my underwear didn’t seem to be fitting me the same as the day before. I swear, that is my mind. Yet, I did something differently than I have done before. In addition to telling myself what is true in the moment, and speaking lovingly to myself, I told Brenda about my thoughts, instead of letting myself fall for my thoughts being true. It helped, not because of her reassuring me, but because I knew how silly it sounded to myself. I knew it was all bullshit that my mind was trying to tell me. AGAIN.
My body, my image of my body, and my thoughts of self are more loving, realistic and honest now. I find myself appreciating it more than ever before in my life. And, it is possible that I will keep hitting those speed bumps. Yet, this is the time of my life when for the first time, I really love waking up in the body I am in.