I have thought a great deal about fear, and how big of a role that has played in my life. Fear has guided a lot of what I have done and where I have been in my world. Although I have not always fully acknowledged being afraid, or what I was afraid of, it has been ever present in my life for many years now. And, I have come to realize that I do some pretty predictable things when I am most afraid.
When I feel scared, whether it is fear of how I will be viewed, how a situation will turn out, or whether or not I will be held in favor by someone, I tend to tell a really long story about where I am at, and why. When my previous relationship ended, during the times that I felt most afraid of how I would be viewed, I would tell every detail of a story in order to look good to the person, not like I had done anything wrong, and to remain believing that I had done everything right. The more I could tell my side of the story, in my mind anyway, the more that it would seem like I had made the only and best choice there was.
What occurred to me only recently, is that I tend to tell the longest, most detailed stories of who I am and why I have done something when I feel the most afraid. When I am in a space of feeling settled, balanced and right with my life and my decisions, I feel quiet inside. I feel and act quiet on the outside as well. I don’t have as deep of a need to speak a lot, to tell a detailed story to justify or defend who I am and why I am that way. I can sit in the quiet acknowledgment of me, as I am, and know that if I am truly being myself, I can trust that with few words, those that I am speaking with will know me. I don’t need to tell an elaborate tale to look a certain way; I only need to be present with all that is truly me.
It has taken me my whole life to be able to not be so scared, and more specifically, to not be so afraid of who I am. Today, I may get scared at different times and in different circumstances, but I can still shine my full self and be with those that are around me, in the most authentic way possible.