Who Am I?

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For a couple of years now, I have been really searching, seeking, and trying to figure out what it is that I believe, in terms of spirituality. I have wondered about God, about Great Spirit, about a Higher Power. I have wondered if I am more Christian or Buddhist. In my life I have done yoga, meditation, gone to church, and reflected and prayed at times. I have tried on many things. Most recently, I have been reading and listening to writings and speeches of the Dalai Lama.

I have figured out on a basic level what I believe; that life is a gift; that I want to appreciate it fully, in every moment; that there is some type of afterlife; that I want to be kind and loving in the world; and that I am part of the bigger connections around me.

For the last few weeks particularly, I have been trying less hard to figure it out. I have been listening to a lecturer and philosopher, Alan Watts, who died in the 1970’s. Alan Watts has struck a particular chord with me, because he reminds me, rightfully so I believe, that I am two things: I am a body, and I am also one with everything. And, he means, EVERYTHING.

Being a body is the part that I feel connected to most often, when I am driving in traffic, working at my job, or dealing with a physical issue of some sort. Or, when I am feeling like I am in conflict with others around me, or my feelings are hurt, I am angry or sad. Then, I feel just part of me, an entity on its own.

However, I also know, and believe, that I am connected to the world as a whole, yet as I have been listening to Alan’s words, I realize that I am truly connected to everything around me. And, it is an interdependence, so that the world exists because of my presence in it, and vice versa. To me, to consider that part, being part of the whole world, and to see it and know that it exists because I do, seems so vast and bigger than I can comprehend. Yet, it makes total sense to me.

Since this past weekend, I have found myself to be more acutely aware of my presence in the world, in my body and with others. The more present that I am in my days, the more beauty I see in myself and everything around me. It has been a profound experience. I feel awakened and more alive than I have in a long time.
When I remember that I am part of a whole, and not just in a body, within myself, I understand more deeply how the world really is here for me.

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