Gripped.

I spent much of my day today feeling afraid. Living in the fears of not being enough, to fail at something, to not be perfect in some unrealistic way (like there is an REALISTIC way to be perfect). I had lots of thought running through my head for my first few morning hours. The thoughts ranged from how I could boost my workouts each week so that I would lose weight more quickly, because my loss this morning wasn’t big enough, to how can I find out how my daughter wants me to cut my hair, so I don’t embarrass her? I tell you, when I amp it up, I REALLY like to amp it up.

I was completely gripped. I felt gripped by the number on the scale; gripped by my thoughts; gripped by my daughter not talking much all week; gripped by all of the sadness and sickness in the world. At first thought, I believed that what gripped me was the world pulling me into its drama and seriousness.

The truth is, I was gripped, all on my own. I was gripping on so tight, that I was strangling my true self. I had a visual picture all day, of my own hands around the front of my throat, squeezing. Completely gripped.

What I grip onto the most in the world is fear. However, fear doesn’t just show itself to me as, “I’m afraid”. Fear shows itself by me getting aggravated with a teenager who doesn’t talk much; but the real fear is that something bad will happen to her because I didn’t pay close enough attention. Fear shows itself to me by my obsession with my weight, body, and workouts; but the real fear is that I will never really love myself when I look in a mirror. Fear is me yelling at the driver who cuts in front of me; when the real fear is that I will be harmed or killed.

The only cure for the grip I put on myself, the only thing that works without fail, is being in the present moment. That can be a real challenge, in light of how fast our lives come at us now, because we are never turned off. We are always connected to something, some device. Being in the moment means really staying present, to what is going on right now. Feel it, whether it feels good or shitty. Tune in, listen to the sounds, take in the sights, appreciate the unique nature of it all, the transient nature of it.

I am gripped less and less often. And, today, I got to remember again, that when I choose the present moment, I choose PEACE.

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4 thoughts on “Gripped.

  1. Vanessa, That is a vulnerable post. Lots of questions ,(well, maybe not lots, but a few);-) come to mind as I read it. I can SO relate to many of these same fears…yep..me too (worrying about our kids, body issues, general craziness in the world @ large,) Questions such as..fatigue..how are you doing in general fatigue and flue bug wise? I know there can sometimes be a direct connection to if I’m run down and my fears…Also, none of my business, but hormonal/ body chemistry wise..if you’re getting close to that time of the month, or if your getting close to that season in your life where big changes are in store..that can also play a huge roll in perspectives on things.. Anyway, sending you a big hug from the hinderlands…just the fact you’re willing to be transparent, makes you a hero in my mind! DM

  2. I totally hear you, DM. The days and moments that I feel this way are fewer and fewer lately, which is a complete blessing. I am not sure if I tend to feel that may more than at one time or another, I am sure that could be a factor for sure. What helps me the most is just being in it, as I am in it, and knowing that it will pass, and that it is all part of my human experience here, and being in a body. I am finding that the more transparent I am, the more free I feel. Thank you so much for reading! Vanessa xo

  3. Thank you for this. Even though my fears are different, I relate to yours, and definitely to the cure: Staying present to this moment. I’m grateful for the reminder!

    1. Kelly: Thank you for reading. Yes, our fears look different to each one of us, and the cure is so available, always to us. I always need to remember that no matter what is happening, I can always choose peace. Peace to you! Vanessa

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