This has been an interesting week for me. I have been shifting in a more profound way, my thought process of health and well being away from the scale, and every bite I put into my mouth, and focusing more on overall health, well being, and self love. SELF LOVE. That can be a hard pill to swallow, a hard behavior to make a habit. The motivation has to be there, and over various times of my life, it has been extremely difficult to truly love myself.
This week, while in a mindset of my body being the equivalent of what number appears on the scale, I looked in the full length mirror one day with no clothes on. What I saw in that mirror was fat, all stomach and thighs. It was frightening, because I really saw myself that way, even if it wasn’t the true story. When I walked to the mirror that day, I knew before I looked what I wanted to see. I wanted to see a woman who was a disappointment to herself; who was always going to be ten pounds heavier than the ideal; who would never look like other women who are fit and healthy. I didn’t want to love myself in that moment.
Today, when I woke up, I felt so rested, and happy, and full of joy and peace. I had an amazing breakfast, coffee, some walking, and I have an amazing day planned. I felt in love, with my life and with me. I felt it, deeply this morning. That I am terrific, that love abounds within and from me, and that I am perfect just as I am in any given moment. And, on my way to the shower, I didn’t take a passing glance at my full length mirror. I looked, deeply, with eyes full of love and amazement.
And guess what? I saw beauty, flaws, curves and strength. I saw every bit of me and felt so at peace, so magical, so full of possibility and awe. I saw my uniqueness and stunning beauty in that moment. All because I saw myself with love, true love.
It can be so difficult to be in this world as our naked selves, vulnerable and exposed. Myself, and most of the people that I know, spend our lives covered up with as many layers as possible, to not show who we really are to the world. I understand that this is not just because we are afraid that others will judge, reject, or ridicule us. The biggest reason is that we don’t love ourselves, and in many cases, we actually despise who we are, even when we aren’t looking at our reflections. Our reasons are lack of perfection, not the same as someone else, or we are too strange or unique to let show.
The raw truth of it all, is that I don’t want to be covered up anymore. I don’t want to be under layers of mystique and camouflage. I want to be me, all of me. And, I want to keep loving me as deeply as possible. I want to show the world what I know in these moments of certainty what lies within, and in that way, offer my gifts to those around me.
Naked, vulnerable, real, and free. ME.