I have been going through a deep, difficult life lesson over the last few days. It has come my way before, and I feel certain that I will continue to keep learning it over again. Over the last two days in particular, I have felt like something inside me is broken, and needs to be fixed.
I believe that each of us as human beings, every one of you that reads this blog regularly, and ones that may be reading it for the first time, all of us have a place within ourselves that, as one of my favorite bands, Switchfoot sings, needs “adhesive for a place that feels broken”. It is enough to bring me to tears; not tears of sadness or hurt, mind you. Today, the tears are in frustration, because I no longer want to feel like there is something in me that needs to be fixed in some way.
We each have our own, unique triggers for sure, that take us to that feeling of brokenness within ourselves. For me, it is almost always related to my body, and around sex and sexuality. My body is either not slim enough, fit enough, or the right size or shape. Or, I see myself as not sexy, or have negative thoughts about the sexual part of my identity. The results are feelings of shame, self loathing, and saying really awful things in my head about myself.
Whenever this happens, I can pretend that it is because the outside world is providing some type of evidence to me, that the thoughts in my head are true. I go to the store, and I have to buy a bigger size of clothing. Or someone thinks Brenda is my daughter. Or, I read or hear something about how wanting to be sexual, or being sexual as a woman is a shameful thing. The real story, however, is that these thoughts, this perception of being broken in some way, has nothing to do with the outside world, or any of the people in it. It has only to do with the thoughts in my head, and how I view myself.
The truth is, each one of us is whole, just as we are. We are each a beautiful, unique entity that has our own gifts and treasures that we bring into this world. And, at the same time, we are part of a beautiful whole, the whole of humanity and all living things and beings. At least that is how I view it. So, in reality, there is not one piece of who I am that needs to be changed or fixed in ANY way. I am perfectly imperfect, just as I am. I am individual, and part of something bigger than myself.
To be able to see my own beauty, and to be be WILLING to love myself more, is what I strive for in my life today. To make choices that I feel at peace about in my life, to live in the moment, and to stand in love, rather than fear, as I go forward.
Today, I get to celebrate being a bright piece of a brilliantly created tapestry that is this world.
And, I am WHOLE.