Monthly Archives: July 2014

The Miracle of Healing.


Today, I spent much of the day with family and friends of a man that was a beloved father, grandfather, coworker and friend. There were tears and stories and even some smiles and laughter. I got to be in the company of people that I have not seen in some years, and that there has been some intentional space between them and myself. And, yet, we all seemed to come together in a common bond today.

I felt connected, even though our lives have all gone in different directions and many things have changed. Yet, the man that they were there to acknowledge, was also known to me, and loved by me, for many years. And, that connected us. And, whatever else had occurred over the last few years, seemed less significant and no longer relevant as it once was.

It reminded me that even the deepest wounds heal over time. Even when we get hurt so badly that we need stitches, once enough time has passed, the hurt gets better, little by little, and even if it leaves behind a scar, it might not hurt anymore. And, you might not even notice that anything had happened there. You can move freely once again.

I think that emotional wounds, wounds of the heart, are like that also. When people break up, when loved ones die, all of these wounds are deep and painful at first, and seem like the pain will never go away. Then, little by little, it feels better. We might get pissed off that we got hurt in the first place, or give ourselves a hard time for taking a risk and falling, but soon enough, the wounds begin to heal and we realize that it might not be as bad as it once seemed.

I am so grateful for my life right now, and the love that I have in it. I am in awe of what I get to experience in the moments when I am present to them. And, today was also a reminder that miracles do happen, every day, and that old wounds do heal. And, love always lingers where it once lived.


Leave Nothing Undone.


For a few weeks now, I have had death on my mind. Mainly because a person in Hannah’s life has been really sick, and passed away last week. It is her first close experiencing with someone that she loves passing away. It is a deep learning time for her, in knowing how grief looks for her, and what she needs to do to heal and go on.

It is a close reminder for me of how much I love this life. I enjoy my family, my friends, and being in my work and my community. I really do find something, usually many things, to be grateful for in every day. And, I know that there are many things that I would still like to do in this life before I leave it.

I believe that we need to leave nothing undone. So, if you want cheesecake, have it. If you love someone, tell them. When we put off doing what it is we truly want to do, but feel too afraid or self conscious to do it, we may not have the same, unique chance to do it again. So, don’t wait.

I think about how hard death is on the living, on those persons who feel left behind by the loved one who has died. How those loved ones wonder maybe how they will go on, what is left for them, what they will do without the person they loved here with them. I wonder myself when I think about those around me that I love, and if they weren’t here with me physically anymore. It is a distinct reminder of how I want to live my life.

Sure, it feels scary sometimes, many times, to face up to my inner fears and be vulnerable. Or to be myself full on in this world. Yet, if I really live true to what I believe, all that I really have is this moment, RIGHT NOW. That is all any one of us has at any given time. And, if that is true, I want to live it to the fullest, enjoy all the nectar that this sweet moment has to offer. And, I want to continue to live a life free of regret and what if’s. So, that is my plan, and I hope yours as well.

Leave NOTHING undone. EVER.


A Drop in the Ocean.


Since fairly early in my life, I have had a desire to save the world. I have believed in the most heartfelt way, that I wanted to offer something of myself to others in a way that would be beneficial to them. I have also believed in a world that could, and would, change for the better through my efforts.

Over the years, I have done various jobs and work in the world in order to help facilitate that change, and to save the world, and the people in it, from themselves. I have worked with at risk children in foster care. I have been support to elderly persons who were ill. I have been an advocate for women who were in abusive relationships. And, most recently, I have been assisting in putting a personal face to the names of people with mental health issues, and the treatment that they seek. And, all of those jobs have been daunting ones. There are a lot of people out there who need help and support. A LOT.

There are days when I feel really ineffective, and frustrated with getting people what they need, or frustrated that they don’t want the assistance. I feel like what I have to offer seems like so much, yet what it brings to that person, or the system, is merely a drop in the ocean. It doesn’t make a bit of difference in the whole, big scheme of things.

Then, I remember a couple of key beliefs for me that help. The first one is, that in order to have the world around me change, I only need change myself. For me, that means to be present and in the moment, as often as possible. For me, that means choosing love and peace, rather than fear and disconnect, in every relationship in my life, including those with whom I work.

It also means that I remember what being a drop in the ocean really means. I can look at it as a way to feel really small, and even insignificant, in a world that feels so massive and unreachable. Or, I can remember that we are all that drop in the ocean. We are all unique and universal at the same time. So, that drop in the ocean, IS the ocean.

I don’t know what is going to happen in this world on a big scale. But I do know that I am changing it, by who I am and what I do, in every moment.


Conditional Love.


Throughout the majority of my life, I have considered myself to be a lover. I have most often seen myself as remaining in a feeling of love with those around me. I often find myself feeling open, and responsive to people, whether they are close to me or I am just getting to know them. However, if I am being fully honest, I would say that the love that I hold for just about everyone in my life is conditional in some way.

Now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love people as they are, or accept their unique qualities. But my love for others comes with expectations, with a demand of sorts of how I want things to be. So, therefore having conditions to it. Even when I thought about this post, and trying to find an exception to this in my life, I couldn’t do it.

Even in my most fulfilling relationships of love, with my family in particular, I have expectations that are deeply conscious, and some that are further below the surface, when I am interacting with them. The expectations are always centered around what I want of their time, attention, or approval. Expectations that I feel entitled to, in order to feel secure and fully loved by the person.

I don’t belittle myself for feeling this way, and I don’t feel funny about the fact that I believe that we are all this way. As humans, it is difficult, if not impossible, to unconditionally love anyone. Even our children who we would give anything for. Along with that love comes expectations that things need to be a certain way. And, mind you, some of those expectations, whether of our children, parents, coworkers, or friends, are not always completely self centered or unreasonable.

Still, we do have expectations, and at the worst of times, we beat ourselves up for having them, and even though we hate to admit it, at times withholding our love for when those expectations are most consistently met.

I am so grateful for awareness! As a human being, I know that I have conditions and expectations of others, but I always get to be in tune with what those expectations are, am I being honest about them with the other person, and if they are reasonable at all. And, I also get to keep reminding myself, that just because a person in our lives does not meet our expectations, even if they are reasonable, does not mean that we and the other person shouldn’t still be loved for who they are.

The truth is, when we have expectations in place, without regard for who the people we love are as unique beings, we don’t allow any room for our humanness. We don’t give ourselves the opportunity to truly accept other people where they are at, and love them in all of their forms and behaviors. The truth is, even if we love on a conditional basis, we still get to simply love.


The Face of Innocence.

photo (16)

I went to Hershey Park this week with my little family. We had a great time, riding rides and screaming at the water park going down water slides, eating ice cream and kettle corn and pizza. It was a full vacation for us all crammed into 14 hours of fun. And, the whole day that I was there, I was so present my little kid that is always inside of me.

That little girl that is always with me is hard to forget. She is silly, kind, full of heart and spunk. She goes out to the store in her pajama bottoms to make a fun breakfast, or dances in the street when she is happy. She is hard to forget, that is, until I forget her.

I forget her on the days when I most want to give myself a hard time about something. My triggers are usually around my body. When I want to really hate on myself, and not look upon myself with eyes of love, I forget about my little girl inside. I forget the beautiful, timeless, sweet innocence that resides inside of me, in every moment of my life.

As I have grown up, I have gotten really good at being a grownup. Consumed with all things adult, such as earning a living, choosing a career, and settling down. And, amongst those adult responsibilities and duties, I have remembered that my little girl was so close, and laughed out loud, or acted silly for no particular reason. But, more often than not, I would forget about that innocence, even neglect it, by pretending that it could no longer exist.

In some of those moments of adulthood, what seemed more worthy to me at any given moment, was to give myself over to being serious and intense, and forgetting about the joy of the moment. I would start to doubt myself, berate myself, and give myself a hard time for being me, for being a human in this world just trying to do her best.

Then, last week, after a particularly rough few days of self hatred, Brenda suggested that I put a picture of my little self on my dresser, and on my desk at work. After all, it is pretty hard to look upon that cute face above and find something to hate about it. Even for me.

So, I did just that. The picture is from New Year’s Day, probably when I was three or four years old. That smile is enough to beat the band. I am wearing a dress, on my tricycle, and feeling like a party is in the works. I am happy, and open, and free. And, the kicker is, whether I am looking at the photo or not on any given day, I ALWAYS get to choose to remember my child inside, my own sweet innocence. That beautiful face.

So, this week at Hershey reminded me that I can capture those moments as a grown up too, and still capture that little girl within. Today, I am so happy to remember that I always have a face of innocence. I just have to be willing to see it.