I have always considered myself to be a good person, generally speaking. A human being that looks upon the world with light and love. A person who gives other people a chance, has patience, compassion, and understanding, and is even tempered and peaceful.
For the most part, that is true for me. However, I also have what I like to call The Dark Side. That is the side of me that can be judgmental, self centered, angry, and even vindictive or punishing at times. Although I don’t often show that side of myself to the world, I am well aware that it resides inside of me.
It has been there, within me, for as long as I have known myself, that is, for as long as I have had had an awareness of the light within me. Until just a few short years ago, I would never admit to anyone around me, or even myself, that I felt pissed off about what someone did, or did not do to me or with me. I would smile and be compassionate about a person on the outside, and at times, be judging the heck out of them silently within.
When I first acknowledged the light and dark nature of myself, I felt shameful about it. I felt like for many years of my life, I portrayed myself as one person, and was actually a dual entity, one that I would never admit to even those closest to me. I felt like the people that knew me, trusted me, loved me, would feel betrayed and even sickened by who I really was. Who I really am.
The truth is, I believe that as long as we are alive as humans, on this earth, there exists within us both a light, and a darkness inside of us. I think of Darth Vader, who even though he was dark on the outside, he hadn’t always been so. He had a light within himself, and somewhere along the line, the dark became more powerful.
I think of Harry Potter, one of my favorite characters of all time. Harry spent many of his years at Hogwarts, at first not wanting to acknowledge that darkness resided inside of him. Then, he focused on how much darkness was inside of him. And, in the end, he realized that it was a balance of both, the dark and the light, that made him who he was.
I know that within me, I am made up of light, of darkness, of both. And, the one that will ultimately be the more powerful of the two, is the one that I nurture and feed.