Monthly Archives: November 2014

As I Am.

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I am so grateful today for the lessons that are always waiting for me. Today, again, there was a lesson that has been coming my way for my entire adult life. Again, today, I was reminded of the need to love myself more.

My partner and I have a beautiful, loving, intimate relationship. We are connected in the deepest ways possible, and I am so grateful for her in my life. Although we both love our intimate moments together, our frequency and rate of intensity at times varies one from another. So, this morning, we had a conversation about it again today, which we have had many times over our two years together. It brings to the surface all of the views that we each have about sex, about intimacy, about time spent with one another. For me, it brings up feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, fear.

So, this morning, as I felt emotional and needy and like we were having trouble figuring it all out, I was tempted to, and did, have her be the target. Even though I was afraid to have her be disappointed in our life together, that was only part of the truth. The full truth of the matter, the real fear of mine, is that I think that I am not enough. I am a disappointment. It is so tempting to put it upon her, but the truth is it all has to do with how little I love myself much of the time.

The real lesson for me, and the one that I will be learning many more times in my life, is that I need to keep loving and accepting myself AS I AM. No matter how tempted I am to not honor or love myself, I need to be diligent about ways to keep loving myself more, accepting myself wherever I am at. At my best. At my less than best. At times that I feel open and times that I feel more scared and closed off. I need to accept myself wherever I am at, at any time, and love myself unconditionally, at all times.

I am learning. I am growing. I am exploring, expanding, and taking more risks. I am going to keep walking toward loving myself as I am, and embrace those parts of myself that I am still wondering about. I will continue to learn how to love, just a bit more, every day.

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Being Myself in the World.

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Over the last three or four years, I have been more diligent than ever, to be myself in this world. To speak the truth consistently; ask questions and be curious; and dress and act in the way that feels most natural to me. And, even though it feels so freeing when I let my true self show, it is terrifying.

There are two main reasons that I find it so scary. First of all, I want people to like me; I want to look good to others, to be accepted, to keep my rank and status in good order. So, if any aspect of who I really am is not pleasing to others, I risk being rejected. I am learning more and more that looking good, and wanting to be liked is never a reason to sacrifice being my true self. It feels lousy inside when I hide my light under some bushel.

The second reason that it feels scary is because I feel vulnerable, naked, and exposed to the outside world when I am showing my true identity. One person could find my persona or actions so distasteful that they could potentially hurt me, physically, emotionally, or both. Again, to sacrifice who I really am out of that fear, is to lose out on the freedom that showing myself to the world brings.

Recently, I am getting to observe how my daughter is showing herself to the world; being her authentic self more and more freely. And, the fears feel the same; the fear that she will be rejected for who she is. Or, even more terrifying, be hurt for standing in her own truth.

Yet, I cannot discourage her from doing so. I love my daughter fiercely, and I would literally lay my life down for her. But, I can’t, and won’t, EVER encourage her to hide her light from anyone. No matter what the feared consequences could be. To me, none of those “what if” consequences compare with living a life that is a lie, that is created so that we don’t have to worry about standing alone.

In loving my daughter, and loving myself, I continue to learn, and to teach, that we never stand alone, when we stand in our light among the people in this world.

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Saying No.

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So, I have been contemplating a new job for the last few weeks. I was approached about an opening within our company, to do something pretty different than what I am doing now. It sounded exciting, intriguing, and like I could make a difference in this new position. It would be working in schools, helping young people to help themselves. I had been thinking recently of how much I enjoy spending time with my daughter and her friends, and it seemed like a logical transition.

I was called up for three separate interviews over the last three weeks. I felt like I had a great chance to be hired for it. I was thinking about the changes that would come, welcome changes for me. I had been feeling discouraged and not fulfilled by my current job. It seemed like just the right combination of factors for me to have a good, solid change in my life. A job that could see us through to the next phase of our lives in a couple of years.

Now, as you all may remember if you read me here on a regular basis, I am often advising and believing that we should say Yes in our lives whenever possible. My thinking in regard to this has often been that if we say no to many things in our lives, we disconnect from opportunities and ways to engage in life, to take a risk and even have some fun. Say Yes, I would say. And, that still holds true.

However, with this job, I thought about it a bit differently. At first, I was sure that this was an opportunity that was not to be missed. I felt flattered that I was so highly recommended; I felt encouraged that they had met with me three times, which led me to believe I was still in the running. Yet, something about it continued to nag at me a bit.

This new job meant travel, and while I love to travel for my job, this one had potential to be A LOT of travel, overnights frequently. And, that is where I had a flicker of doubt. You see, I have spent the last few years really building a LIFE for myself. With my daughter, I have been diligent about opening up communication and being available to her. Watching her grow and fly on her own. In love, I have said yes to all of it, and that means, meals together, early morning meditations, and everything in between. I love my life, right now, just as it is.

Yes, I have been feeling a bit discouraged and done with my current position. But, that isn’t about my workplace, or job duties, or hours. It is all about ME, and my attitude about my work. My aspirations for something different. My itchiness for the next, big thing. This job was to be an easy out.

SO, I said NO, firmly and honestly. I said no to this job, and yes to my family and my evening meals with my love. I said no to this job, and yes to my current job, my work friends, and an environment that I can count on and feel good about. I want to stay in the comfort and warmth of what I have now, and feels so good.

I said no to this job, and yes to the warm embrace and waiting arms of full, unbridled love. And that not only brings love into my life, but a deep sense of peace as well.

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My True Self.

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Day Three of meditation and reflection on the true nature and meaning of desire, and then the manifesting our desires into the world. The key to manifesting what we desire, is to match what is most congruent with our personality with the desire itself, and manifest it into reality.

As I listened to these words today, I really tried my best to absorb and remember them. I want to believe that within me is the desire of what I want to bring to the world; and also, what lies within me is the ability to manifest that desire. I possess both in the essence of my true self.

I feel like I show more of my true self in my life more than I ever have before. I am free to share my compassion, wisdom, support, respect, love, and cooperative spirit. I feel humbled more often, more willing to learn with others and to listen to what they want and need, from their perspective. I feel more compelled than ever to connect with the world, more specifically, the people that I meet, in a deeper, more meaningful way.

So, I allowed myself to believe once again that my True Self, the deepest, most intimate part of me, contains within it every possibility. I can do anything that I desire; I can bring any dream that I possess to fruition. Today, I believe that to be true.

This evening, my daughter and I attended an event at a local University, a panel discussion of LGBTQA persons, talking about their experiences, their fears, and how they have grown and learned through them. As I sat there, listening to their stories, and knowing some of their faces, I realized yet again that for me, that is my true desire. To bring connection, knowledge, and understanding to others, and to gently encourage LGBTQA persons to use their voices to show who they truly are, and all of the beautiful colors that adds to our world. That is the desire. That is what I truly care to manifest.

That is the offering that I wish to give to myself, and to the world. That is my True Self.

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Throwing away Guilt.

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Today for Day 2 of my meditation series, the topic was the Spirit of Desire. That desire is a human, normal inclination, and that our desires are supposed to be present for us. Desire makes us feel alive, and in order to fulfill our purpose and mission in this world, we need to be fueled by those desires. And, one of the deepest desires there is to have, is to grow and evolve as a human being.

I feel this every day, being present to the importance for me of changing, growing, and evolving. My desires to continue to grow at times means that I focus primarily on myself, through what I read, listen to, and what activities I participate in. What types of food that I eat or how I want to spend my money. With that, comes tremendous guilt at times. It is all self inflicted, of course, but I often want to make it about guilt feelings that are being put upon me, by others or the world at large.

The truth is, it is not selfish or uncaring to want to focus on what our deepest desires are. If anything, I believe to do so is self loving in nature. My deepest desires at this point in my life, are not things or destinations, as much as they are my most important values and principles that guide me through the world. And, those desires most often are fueled by a deep sense of love for the world around me, and the people in it. I desire to connect, to impact, to work with and to respect and honor those around me. And, in order to fulfill that desire to connect with the world, I believe that I need to have a firm, loving, and honest relationship with myself first.

I am working on that, and growing. But if I continue to get tripped up by my own self imposed guilt at every turn, then I won’t accomplish in this world what feels most significant for me. Guilt serves no real purpose in my life, except to detract me from my goals.

So, again today, I am reminding myself to throw guilt away and build on the desires that lie deep within my soul. With full love.

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