Monthly Archives: March 2015

Super Mom.

Supergirl

I am raising a seventeen year old teenager, along with two other strong, determined women. And, on most days, I feel pretty competent at how I parent. I feel protective, loving, open, and honest. I am grateful for the conversations that my teen and I share with one another. I feel scared, when it would seem logical to feel that way, and confident most of the rest of the time.

Today however, I felt differently. You see, I walk a very fine line between feeling fully confident in who I am as a parent, and feeling like a complete failure. And, on some days, like today, it only takes a light breeze to blow me off that line into the abyss. When I fall down this self described rabbit hole, even though I have plenty of people in my world to tell me otherwise, I feel like a complete failure.

You see, even when I think I am doing a pretty good job at navigating parenthood throughout adolescence, and beyond, I have self doubt. I wonder if I am royally messing it all up, or if I am hitting the mark. I envision myself as super human as a mom, at the same time that I have no idea what the hell I am doing.

So, tonight, I went down the hole, by thinking that all that I have done so far on behalf of my child is an epic failure, and that the shortcomings in my parenting will certainly bring ruin to the future that lies ahead of this brilliant human being. That if I am not doing it perfectly, by a standard other than my own, than I am failing. That I am never good enough and will never measure up. It is a thought train that I am willingly riding on, until I am not.

I take a long bath, until I am shriveled beyond recognition, I cry, hard and long, and then, I put on my jammies and decide that I have had enough. Decide that if I am going to have any effectiveness in my parenting, I have to trust and believe that I am doing right by my child. For the simple reason that I am only ever doing my best.

We have been facing some pretty challenging days recently. We are in new territory that I didn’t anticipate one year ago. Yet, we are learning, growing, changing and loving one another fiercely through it all. And, today, I learned two big lessons to take forward with me.

First, I need to trust and believe in what it is I am doing to raise a beautiful human being in this world, and that even if others around me might do it differently, it doesn’t mean, I am doing it wrong. It just means, we view it differently. The second, and more profound lesson for me, is that no matter what, I need to keep loving myself, as fiercely, consistently and openly as possible.

For, the truth is, I am only doing my best, in every moment. And, that always has to be enough.

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Triple Layer Chocolate Cake.

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This past weekend, I went home to Massachusetts to visit family. Last weekend, much of my family were together there to celebrate the life of my great aunt Marion, who passed away a few days ago. Since I was not able to be there with them last weekend, I wanted to be near them this past weekend, and so we took a road trip there. We stayed with my Aunt Ruth, visited with my cousin and his wife, and got to go visit my great Aunt Theresa who also lives in town.

Seeing Theresa felt extra special, because usually I find it difficult to visit with her. She can’t hear well, she has a hearing aid that doesn’t help much, so communication is limited to writing messages to her on a white board, and then she answers me. It seems tedious and frustrating that I can’t just talk with her. Yet, it seemed so much easier this time.

I sat on the floor in front of her, and just kept asking her questions on the board. We had some laughs, she shared a lot of information with me, and she even expressed how happy she was for me that we are getting married. It was magical. And, it made me realize yet again what an amazing life that I have.

I would say that I live a triple decker chocolate kind of life, most of the time. It is sweet, delicious, and a favorite way for me to be present. This weekend, being with my family, walking and driving through my old hometown, and enjoying the trip there and back with my beloved, was truly the icing on the triple layer chocolate cake of my life. It only enhanced the sweetness and magic that was already present.

Maybe it is in remembering my loved ones’, and my own, mortality, that makes time with them seem so much more precious and rich. I understand that death will continue to visit my life without end, and so it seems so much more enjoyable for me to be in the moment, whenever I can, in this life that I am living. Savor every bit of it that may not be here again, or for long.

Keep having dessert!

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