It Doesn’t Matter.

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A few days ago, my fiance’ and I had a blip on the screen. At the time, it felt like more than that. We were having a variety of conversations, in which neither one of us seemed to be communicating to or understanding one another very effectively. As a result, by the end of the day, we were both annoyed, hurt and irritated. She felt like she wasn’t being listened to or understood, and I felt like I was not being listened to or understood. In the moment, it felt all important and serious.

A couple of hours later, when I was ready to take down my wall, and she was ready to sit and be still, we were able to come back together, talk about it, and reconnect. All was well, as it had been all along, but in the moments of what seemed like difficulty, it seemed all important.

What I realized at the end of it all, is that the stuff of life, which is everything, seems so all important when we are in the midst of it. But, in actuality, none of it matters at all. It doesn’t matter in the whole scheme of things if she seems annoyed by me, or I feel hurt by her. It doesn’t matter because none of it is the truth. However, as humans, it often takes us awhile to get to the bottom of something, because the story seems so all important.

For me, I wanted my story of importance to be understood, for her to not assume that I didn’t care about her love of music. I wanted to feel hurt that she would view me in that way. She wanted to feel that I don’t listen to her when she talks to me. We both had our buttons pushed by each other, our most vulnerable spots were exposed, and even though we know each other well, we still default to not seeing the real story at times.
So, I put up a wall of silence, and detachment, and she leaves for awhile. And then, when we are sick of ourselves, which doesn’t take long, thankfully, we come back to a common ground.

Our common ground is Love and Forgiveness. We always know that it is there, but there are moments when we forget. When we forget that we have a choice in how we interact with one another, and others in our world, and we resort to old habits and the need to be the one who is right. We want to feel justified in our anger, or hostility, or hurt. And, often when we as humans feel that way, we build a wall around ourselves and stop connecting with others. And, there is no feeling for me that is more lonely.

I don’t want to be lonely in this world.

So, after the tears, and talk, and connection, we realized at the end of the day that none of the stories really matter at all. There is no one of us that is right, or wrong; there is nothing that has to be justified or defended. All that matters is that as two humans swirling through this world, we get to keep coming back to a place of love, of forgiveness and understanding.

And, we get to remember that the one that we most get to love and forgive is ourselves.

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