Tomorrow, I have the opportunity to doing something really spontaneous and fun. It is something that I have been wanting to do for some time now, and the opportunity to make it happen came up, and I am going with it. However, the desire to be spontaneous is conflicting with my desire to feel guilty about not going to work.
Guilt is a tricky little devil for me. If there is a hint of me viewing my actions as selfish, not fair to others or frivolous, I want to somehow believe that it is not okay for me to do it. The more that I ruminate on it, it seems the worse that it gets. I want to chastise myself, believing that I am putting my desires ahead of others, and that it will have a negative impact on them. That to do something for myself is deeply self centered and wrong.
It is kind of like going down a rabbit hole, metaphorically speaking. When I am feeling deep guilt about something, my thoughts about myself seem to get darker and darker, like I am not only a selfish person, but one that should come up with a better reason to disappoint someone else; that things can’t possibly get done without me around, that I have no right to just have fun, just for the fun of it. Instead of seeing the innocence and light about a choice, I keep going to a deeper, darker place.
The great part is, I ALWAYS have a choice. Guilt is not something put upon me; I don’t FALL down the rabbit hole, I jump in. I choose to feel deep guilt about my actions and how it might impact others. However, I also can choose to feel really empowered when I have to say something difficult to someone; to look upon the other person with love, compassion and honesty; and to remember that I deserve, as much as anyone else, to have fun and freedom in my world. And sometimes, fun and freedom aren’t an integral part of my schedule. I get to feel deserving instead of loathing; embracing instead of dreading.
I get to choose to jump down into the rabbit hole, and I get to climb the ladder, as fast as I remember, to get back out, too.