Monthly Archives: September 2015

Down the Rabbit Hole.


Tomorrow, I have the opportunity to doing something really spontaneous and fun. It is something that I have been wanting to do for some time now, and the opportunity to make it happen came up, and I am going with it. However, the desire to be spontaneous is conflicting with my desire to feel guilty about not going to work.

Guilt is a tricky little devil for me. If there is a hint of me viewing my actions as selfish, not fair to others or frivolous, I want to somehow believe that it is not okay for me to do it. The more that I ruminate on it, it seems the worse that it gets. I want to chastise myself, believing that I am putting my desires ahead of others, and that it will have a negative impact on them. That to do something for myself is deeply self centered and wrong.

It is kind of like going down a rabbit hole, metaphorically speaking. When I am feeling deep guilt about something, my thoughts about myself seem to get darker and darker, like I am not only a selfish person, but one that should come up with a better reason to disappoint someone else; that things can’t possibly get done without me around, that I have no right to just have fun, just for the fun of it. Instead of seeing the innocence and light about a choice, I keep going to a deeper, darker place.

The great part is, I ALWAYS have a choice. Guilt is not something put upon me; I don’t FALL down the rabbit hole, I jump in. I choose to feel deep guilt about my actions and how it might impact others. However, I also can choose to feel really empowered when I have to say something difficult to someone; to look upon the other person with love, compassion and honesty; and to remember that I deserve, as much as anyone else, to have fun and freedom in my world. And sometimes, fun and freedom aren’t an integral part of my schedule. I get to feel deserving instead of loathing; embracing instead of dreading.

I get to choose to jump down into the rabbit hole, and I get to climb the ladder, as fast as I remember, to get back out, too.

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Exhaling the Obstacles.


Last night, Brenda and I visited a meditation group in our community. We had been there last week, when I was speaking with the group about my hugging experience, and we decided to return to just do the meditation with the group. It was really a great experience. I have done meditation before, and I find it powerful to do with a group, like my experiences with yoga in the past.

The leader began the meditation with asking each of us to set an intention: a one or two word description of something that we wanted in our lives. For me, the intention was connection; that was my motivation for the hugging experience; that is the motivation for my writing much of the time, and other aspects of my life that I am involved in.

Then, with each breath that I drew in, I was reminded to think of my intention, and again as I breathed deeply out. As I did this, I focused on my intention as I breathed deeply in; but as I breathed out, I envisioned that any obstacles that exist within me to connecting with others be breathed away.

This was so helpful for me. There really isn’t much in the world that I see as an obstacle to having something that I desire. But, I do get scared. That fear shows itself as insecurity, self doubt, self criticism, and panic even. I can become filled with anxiety about little details if it means a new situation or getting close to something that I might want.

For me, to visualize breathing away those doubts, breathing away those fears, those thoughts and feelings that serve as obstacles, by doing that I am empowering myself to have what I want. Connecting to other people is a force in my life that feels so good when I let go of those fears and flow into it. Whether in a new social situation, at work, or doing a project, when I am just myself and as present as possible, it seems magic happens.

We all have fears and insecurities about what we want to do and how it might turn out; and for me, it seems the fears are more intense and real when it is a dream or vision for myself. To breathe away that which can block or keep me from what I want brings it closer than ever.

It sets me free.


What it means to be a Mom.


I have gone through many different stages and areas of development when it comes to being a parent. I have learned how to hold on more tightly, to protect my child. I have learned to let go, to allow for freedom and expression. I have learned how to balance the two of those things, in a way that expresses concern and care at the same time as a willingness to set my bird free. However, the learning that has been deepest for me over the years has been that of being a Mom.

I am a deeply caring, sensitive and loving person. I have no hesitation in acknowledging that within myself. Yet, at times when I have been a parent, I have felt less like I could trust that part of me, and more like I had to act in a certain way toward my child and parenting. I mean, if I were to love too much, and not guide enough, my child would turn out uncertain, insecure, unsuccessful, right? At least, that is what I have thought much of the time. If I don’t parent my kid in the ways in which the world dictates much of the time, and follow the books and suggestions of many wise people, I am doing parenting a disservice.

I am being completely vulnerable and open by saying, I don’t agree with that anymore. That doesn’t work for me as a person, as a human, as an individual.

What I see today, for myself, and maybe for others that may be hesitant to say so, is that being a Mom comes first and foremost. What I mean by that is if I do not trust my instinct of how to love and honor my child for the beautiful, brilliant, amazing human being that they are, I am doing that child a bigger disservice. I have no idea what I am doing any of the time. In any given moment, I am just guessing at what the best answer and response is, and seeing what happens. And, this beautiful being does not belong to me; he gratefully chose me to be his parent by spiritual design, and I feel humbled to know this precious creature in this world. And, the rest is up to him.

All I can do is love, honor, respect and believe that he will rock it out.


The only thing that I will ever be able to rely on is my love for my child. That is deep, binding, and eternal, and it is the only thing that is certain. Why that is, to me, is because that eternal love is our Light connection to one another; it is what makes us the same rather than different. It means that I get to love and honor his journey all of the way, and keep standing and loving my fellow human being. I don’t have to control or manage.

I get to see our sameness, which allows me to remember that he is reflection of me; he is what I see in the world. So, as I continue to love myself and go deeply within, that is the eyes with which I get to view my child.

That is the way in which I get to be an amazing Mom.




I have never been a person that thought a lot about, nor referred to, the happening of miracles, either in my own life, or the lives of others. I mean, I would hear people say that something that happened was a miracle, and sometimes, I would agree or use that same terminology. The only exception would be the conception and birth of my child. I definitely have referred to his coming to me as a miracle at times.

To me, before my current learnings anyway, a miracle was always something to me that was so unbelievable, so surprising and amazing, that it had to have happened due to some type of higher power, or divine intervention. I didn’t even relate it to religion, per se. Definitely to a power unseen, however.

Well, so much seems different in my view now. Expanded in many ways. To me, on this day in my life, miracles are not only much more common than what my belief always was, but they are also within the reach of most, if not all of us.

Today, I am deepening the belief that miracles are the moments when I awaken, when I have full realization and acceptance that I am part of something bigger than myself, that we all are part of that same energy and light. The love source. To some, it could be God. Others Buddha or Mohammed. Maybe even Great Spirit, or Angels. But to me, the form of what the higher power is does not matter, as much as our knowing that we are ALL part of that one light, that one source of love, forgiveness and peace.

Now, in the past, I have had glimpses of that light, and my part in it. I often would feel most connected to that deep realization when I am in nature. Being among the beautiful trees, rocks, and animals brings me to the sense of a greater power than myself and my oneness with all. However, there are dozens, hundreds of additional moments each day when I forget that connectedness. Forget that EVERYONE comes along on the road to salvation and freedom; not just myself and who I pick to come along. EVERYONE.

And, it is okay that I forget, that I am asleep at the wheel of my life and what I believe is the bigger, fuller picture. Part of the realization of that oneness means that I can be forgiven, forgive myself for my being asleep. Look upon myself with open eyes of love when I fall short, or forget, because I see myself as being only in the world, only as a body that exists. It is so much bigger and better than that.

I don’t hesitate in admitting how much I enjoy this mortal world; I love being in it, working for causes and loving fiercely and buying things and eating great foods, listening to good music. Being kind to others and loving with complete abandon. Yet I also know more deeply each day, that the beautiful moments that I experience here are just a tiny fraction of what really exists; of what I am really a part of.

So, the moments of light, love, forgiveness, and openness, when I do remember who I am, are exquisite and incredible.


The Giver and the Receiver.


Last night, in downtown Scranton, I again took to the street and was giving hugs to passersby. There were a couple of differences this time; first, I was not blindfolded. I wanted to see people, eye to eye, and show that additional part of my vulnerable self. And, I had a different sign, one that read, “I see your humanity, do you see mine? How about a hug?”.

As with my last experience, the results were both interesting and moving to me. I felt excitement about the event all day, but right before it, I got really nervous. Not nervous about my own safety being at risk, but nervous about being that exposed, calling attention to myself in a unique way. Yet, shortly after I began, I breathed deeply and went with it.


There were moments, of course, that stood out more than others. The man who was walking with some difficulty, who saw me from across the very busy street and crossed to give me a hug. The man who told me that he had missed his opportunity for a hug last time I did it. The child who had a shark painted on his face, whose smile was a bright light.


There were the people who made eye contact, smiled, and walked by. There were people that stood and looked while a friend was hugging me. There were those that told me how they really needed it. I even was asked by one person, if I was, indeed, hugging everyone. Aren’t there some people that you should be more wary of? No, I said.

There were two more that stood out deeply for me. One young person, who looked like they had all of their belongings on their back, came up with their dog, and before hugging me, stated “I’m probably smelly, I hope that’s okay”. And, a woman who I had been watching for quite some time, coming along on the sidewalk, using her walker. She was smiling the whole time she was approaching me, and came to see me just for a hug.


Then, as we were walking to have dinner, a woman approached me, asking if I was the Hugging Lady; that she had been looking for me, to come by and get another hug. She said she really needed both of them today.


I have been thinking all morning about the fact that the miracle that we experience in this world, is when we realize the gift that is given to both the giver, and the receiver, when we offer something to others. I went into this projected with few expectations of how it would turn out; yet thrilled with the results. Thrilled because not only do I get to give to someone freely, something that they may truly need, but also get to receive so much in return. And, the exchange of energy and love that exists in those moments is truly a miracle in action.