Monthly Archives: January 2018

Presence and Peace.

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The past few days have been deeply shape shifting and mind altering for me. I tend to keep the same routine in how I do my learning about where I want to grow next: I read books, and spend time in the quiet. I remind myself, in the car, at work and at home, multiple times a day about how to come back to the present moment. Some days, I feel really successful in becoming present. However, there are many days in which I feel like I am completely in my head, a lot of the time. 

I don’t have the illusion that I have a capacity for a completely quiet mind; I call that an illusion, because there is always chatter in my head. Even when I am being as present as possible, and not choosing to worry on anything in particular, there are stories galore being hatched in my noggin. That isn’t bad in and of itself, but when I begin to tell myself a whole novel’s worth of tales about that one strand of thought, it becomes somewhat overwhelming and ultimately problematic. So, I do my best to open myself to the thoughts, allow them to float by like clouds, and not take them too seriously.

But something much deeper and intimate happened to me this week. I decided to begin “formally” meditating. Typically, I sit quietly, on the couch or in a chair, every morning before I get ready to begin the scheduled portions of my day. I also listen to books on CD in my car often, or ride without any sound at all, to extend that feeling of quiet and peace. I have not done an actual meditation practice in several years. After a series of stories a few days ago about me and others around me, I wanted to make a more concentrated effort to quiet them down. I began meditating for 10 minutes in the morning, sitting quietly and allowing my thoughts to float by. 

I don’t know if it is the actual meditation, the readiness within myself that I felt to do it, or the readiness of learning this particular lesson myself, but I broke loose of some really old mind and heart patterns. No matter how humble I like to think that I am, I still have periods of entrenched arrogance, telling myself that I have learned all that I need to, and that others just need to “catch up” with where I am at. It is gross at the same time that it is so comically egoic and human. Catching that arrogance this week was like doing a cleanse, and feeling this sense of emptiness and clarity all at the same time. 

I decided to meditate this morning, by concentrating on two words which I wanted to carry with me through the day. For every in breath, I would think Presence, and for every out breath, I would think Peace. Both are necessary and craved in my current world. After clearing out some old patterns and thoughts this week, I understood how critical both are in my world. And, how I can still find places in me that need smoothing to be more in synch with both. 

I love being a teacher, a leader, and a light for others. But, I know I need to be first and foremost, a student. 

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Fat and Happy.

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My body and my image of it, in terms of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, have been on quite the journey throughout my time here. I have been housed in this physical vessel for over 55 years so far. I have been in various feelings states in that time about it. Anything from pure shame and disdain, to pride and ease. With lots of feelings and thoughts in between as well. 

What is most interesting to me, however, is that what I have felt about myself, either positive or negative, has always related directly to something outside of myself. So, when the scale read 211 pounds, I felt deep shame; I would criticize myself in the mirror and in my head. Then, when the scale read 200 pounds, 180 pounds, 150 pounds, I would feel a deeper sense of satisfaction and “happiness”, because I was losing weight. In addition, if I felt hungry in between meals, or wanted to order french fries instead of a salad, I would experience loud chatter in my head, about how bad I was.

When I started to eat more nuts, avocados, and coconut oil, I was terrified about how much weight I might gain from it. I have followed many of the eating plans, regimens, and diets that are around. I have weighed myself daily, and avoided doctors’ appointments so I wouldn’t have to get on the scale. I have had the sense of absolute dread when I would pull out my clothes for the season, about whether or not they would still fit, or be too tight.

I have obsessed, cried, cursed, wished, and waited for something to change, so that I would be different, look different, or both. I was sure that I knew the true equation: the number on the scale, or the size in the closet, is in direct correlation to how valuable or beautiful I am, and whether I have worth. In this type of math, the math of self loathing, less (pounds) is better.

With the grace of the powers that oversee my life, and with my own willingness to see a different, more authentic truth, I have rescripted this in my head. I no longer equate my personal worth with what size or weight that I am. I have chosen to no longer choose shame when I don’t take a walk for a week, or have fries for lunch. I buy comfortable clothes and give away those that are too small for me. I stopped looking in the mirror, scrutinizing for every flaw, and know that the surface body that I see is not the summation of who I Am. I tuned in with how to care for myself more deeply than ever before.

This weekend, I was spending some time with my parents, and as my father commented on how happy I am, and how much it shows on me, a deep Truth showed itself to me once more: I am fat, according to many of the schools of thought in the world. And, I am blissfully happy, in all that I think, say and do. It’s not perfection by any means, and I still feel body shame at times. Yet, I finally get it, that as long as I am taking care of my body, mind, soul and heart, in the best ways that I know how, tuned in to what I really want and need, that is enough. No matter how it appears on the outside, or what others expect or want from me. I am always enough. Complete. Whole. 

Fat and Happy as my True Self. 

 

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