Monthly Archives: March 2019

Exquisite Pain.


There was a time in my life, which now feels very long ago indeed, when I was completed wedded to pain and suffering. I believed that my emotions were something on which I was carried away, and that I had to feel every aspect of them in a demonstrative and dramatic way. And, that while I was feeling them, I would weave these beautifully artistic stories that kept me wrapped up in the madness of them. I not only saw no other way of experiencing and expressing my emotions; I didn’t want any other way.


For me, being dramatically connected to emotion was my way of gaining attention from the outside world, and it also was based on my belief that it made me a connected, compassionate person. So, not only would I always have a deeply intense response to “negative” circumstances in my own life, but would also feel the need to be interwoven with every inequity and hardship that existed in the world. That could be a friend who was struggling, or an earthquake on the other side of the world. It all felt equally as intense no matter what the nature of relationship to me, or the circumstance itself. 


In my day to day living, it impacted me by feeling like I was always on a roller coaster, literally feeling the ups and downs in my body and believing it was out of my control. And, by default, those around me were also brought along for the ride, and as a result, never knew how I would be impacted when they would talk to me about something. Many things in my life felt painful, and I believe, over time, I came to see that pain as not only deeply hurtful, but also, in a strange way, as exquisite, enchanting; like even though I didn’t like the feeling, I could not turn away from it. Exquisite Pain is how I would best describe it.


The part of it that made it so enticing for me, was the stories that I would weave around my emotions. I not only believed that I was the emotions that I was feeling, I wove an identity around it, as a person who was extra sensitive, who was easily influenced by the world around her. And, although I have no judgment about that time of my life, it felt pretty helpless much of the time, and I believed that if I were not that influenced by my emotions, that it meant that I was unfeeling, uncaring, or detached in some way.


Gratefully, I found my true path that was the way to Peace and Surrender within myself. I discovered, through a deep letting go process, that I can feel any emotion that comes through me. However, it NEVER has to dictate who I am, or what I choose to do with it.  No matter what, the more often that I can simply accept everything as It Is, whether that be an emotion, a circumstance, or both, than the more deep the Peace that will settle within me. I can listen to the stories of another, without making it my own. I can feel all the feels that occur within me each day, without feeling carried away by them. No matter what is going on around or within me, I ALWAYS get to choose.


And, today, I get to choose differently. And, the result is Exquisite Peace.