Monthly Archives: January 2020

Following my Bliss.

Everyone now and again, I feel like I lose my way. I forget that I know how to be still, and present, and that there is no urgency in what I do. I get lost in my thoughts and my mind becomes like a runaway train, and I follow it wherever it goes. It is maddening, and it is like an endless pit; there is always more to worry about, focus on and get almost obsessed with. In the midst of it, I don’t see the bigger picture, so even though I am not lost, I feel like I am.


I think the most destructive result of these times, is that I immediately, almost as a reflex, condemn and attack myself. I feel inadequate, incapable and small. I feel like a failure, like I can’t possibly manage the task at hand, or any task for that matter. In the midst of my overwhelm, I shut down and feel like I can’t do anything, and most certainly can’t do it right.


Even though these times, albeit rare, are difficult when I am in them, because of the pain that they seem to elicit, they bring me such great lessons. Just last week, I had a bout of this self doubt, and my wife gently and firmly pointed out to me the misguided way in which I was viewing the situation, and myself. She reminded me that if I was doing something that did not bring me joy, that was not my bliss, fully and completely, then why bother doing it? I mean, I know that we are all called upon to do things in our life that we need to do, even if they aren’t all that fulfilling. But, if we are doing something that is supposed to be fun, supposed to feed our soul and it doesn’t, why are we?


It was just the wake up nudge that I needed, in the situation that I put myself, but also, as an ongoing reminder of how I have been and need to continue to guide my participation in life. My well being, my balance, my peace and presence is far to precious and essential for me to throw away. And, bliss always lives there as well. No matter what task or activity I am involved in, I know that bliss is present if it feels light, fun, and free. If I see myself as perfect, just as I am, without condemnation or demand. Even the most mundane job can feel delightful if I remember to bring my full, unapologetic authentic self to the table.


So, I changed my view. The situation did not change. I did not give up the tasks at hand. I just reminded myself of my true nature. Of what is most important to me. And, what I am not willing to sacrifice, for anything. 


My Bliss, my authentic Self, my Being, my Presence and Peace; that will ALWAYS come first. 


Whatever you do, or don’t, be Gentle.

Over the many years of my life, I have lived between the extremes, much of the time, of excess or deprivation. Whether in relation to food, alcohol, drugs, work, money, or relationships, I found myself with either too much, or not enough, of a good thing. In the context of those extremes, I would transmit to myself a few different messages.
Why not?

You deserve this.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You have got to get it together.

You can’t trust yourself to be moderate.

Fuck it.

You should look like (fill in the blank).

You only live once.

Living this way will be bad for you.

 

Any of those messages sound like ones you have said to yourself? Or had said to you or about you?

The words, as they sound to me now as I type them, weren’t the worst of it.  It was the intention behind the message, that somehow I was not good enough.  Or,  if I did, said or created something different for myself, I would be more worthy, would be of more value in the world. A sick, dysfunctional game that I would play with myself. Either feeling entitled or needing to be punished in some way.

And, even though the words can sound intense and maybe even overdramatic, it felt like make or break it back then, or that so much was riding or whether or not I followed that diet or had that third glass of wine, that my very self would either be enhanced or evaporated. SO diabolical, yet seeming to have so much power and influence over what I would do or say to myself.

Gratefully, and with a humble heart, I have taught myself a much different lesson at this point in my life. Oh yes, I still say fuck it. But now, I say that to any extremes; to living in the edges rather than filling in my life from a more balanced perspective. I don’t have to deprive myself, nor do I need to indulge every impulse that I feel. I get to tune in, be Present, and then decide what feels really good. Not good in the “I gotta do this now before I even take a breath”, but from a deeper, more solid and authentic place. So that, even if I have that third glass of wine, or eat dessert three nights in a row, or spend the whole evening on Facebook, I am conscious about it rather than being asleep at the wheel of my life.

What comes to me with my Presence is Peace; and the beautiful, brilliant after effect of that is gentleness. Being loving, and kind, and present with any decision I make, allows me to make it from a place of serenity rather than desperation; and allows for me to feel one with the decision, rather than doubting myself or condemning myself. I can choose to do, or not do, and live with myself no matter what I decide.

Traveling this road will not be perfect; and I am sure that I will forget what balance feels like. Yet, I know in my soul that I will forget less, and for shorter periods of time, and that I know not only what feels the best. 

I know what it is that I most deserve.

 

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